BIPOLAR DISORDER

Happy then sad
Crying then laughing
Up then down
Excited then breaking down
Deep deep and slowly ending life.

I am. I have a disorder. 
Swinging moods like a little girl playing swing at the park seems happy but we never know how their feelings inside. People called it Bipolar Disorder.
Some people struggle but some cannot.
Easy to cutting.

I wasn't cutting. I drank poison.
Hell that wasn't worked. I didn't die.
I googling about that damned disorder, it says because of genetic and childhood traumatic. I guess I am. My damned disorder mixed by eating disorder. 
Day by day I'm goin to be a psychotic person who wants to murder people I hate. 

I wish I can struggle or I just can end this shit life by the death.
Living in peace with my dad and my grandad. They called me like crazy. They came up asked me to live with them in heaven, no more annoying people, no more pressure for life, no more problems. 
But I have people I love and I won't turn their lives being into the sorrow. My mom already insane because took care of me and my brother. She working hard to earn a lot of money so she don't even care what's goin on with her children's illness.

I guess my brother has something wrong just like me. But he always having a happy pill so he never felt what I feel. My brain damaged my physical going down. I always say to people, if you can't make me happy, just stay away from me before I break your damn life!

You tried to hurt me or people I love, don't ever beg for a comfortable life for yourself. I am a kind of nightmare for haters. just be careful of me. You hurt me, I'll take over your life. Deal with that. 


Definition of Bipolar
How?

Awake

Spending couple hours.. A box of fags.. Cups of coffee.. Some of sprinkle donuts..

Sitting in the coffee shop, see a bunch of people outside, read some billboard signs telling people about bullshit advertisement, see drivers mad because of traffic jam, watch the stupid soap opera on this coffee shop's tv, listening adults talking about their life, hearing people moaning about their jobs, see a perfect family having a lunch together, see the sun goes down..

Looking for my laptop's screen awhile. Searching some youtube videos from my favorite youtube stars. Suddenly I find out a video titled "Bipolar Disorder". I'm checking out and.. I surprised.

I GOT A MENTAL DISORDER CALLED MIXED BIPOLAR DISEASE. I want to cry but the tears won't come. That is weird. 

I don't even know why I'm alive. Sometimes I just want to die and live forever beside my dad in heaven, oh wait. Heaven? How's the looks of heaven? I want to see. But die isn't that easy.

I can't stand I'm growing too fast. Hold the seconds I miss my past. Being old is not that easy. I am growing up. I have to be something, something that you will never guess about.
I hate people. Honestly, they are posers.

But I always thank to God that I can open my eyes, inhale a fresh air, and putting a smile on my face even I got a lot of life's problems.


I'm awake this morning felt nothing to do like usual.
I want to be a normal girl, who felt loved and love people.
I won't to be ill. I won't pretending that I care to people, because I never felt how to be cared by.
I am awake and I have to go to sleep again so I can find myself in there.


About Bipolar