Crying in my room, but I keep it top secret.
People tell me they care, but they didn't mean it.
I'm cut open even thought I'm not bleeding.
My heart's broken so Imma make it stop beating.
Someone runs into my room and screaming
SHE'S NOT BREATHING!!!
I popped some pills with some tylenol,
a bottle of antidepressants, I didn't puked of anything.
I can't picture myself to a grown woman.
I don't wanna grow up, I hate change and everything is just so rearranged.
My life is nothing but disaster.
I act happy, but I wanna die
I'm not gonna lie, thoughts of suicide keeps crossing my mind.
Going crazy cause I'm going through bullshit.
Look me in the face, I'm sick in my eyes, cause I'm sick in the mind.
I've been wishing to die since 11 years old.
I ain't trying to get everyone feel bad for me.
People don't understand how much I hate my life.
Dear World.. I'm leaving cause I'm bored and I think that I lived long enough.
So in this sweet cesspool, good luck :)
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
BIPOLAR DISORDER
Happy then sad
Crying then laughing
Up then down
Excited then breaking down
Deep deep and slowly ending life.
I am. I have a disorder.
Swinging moods like a little girl playing swing at the park seems happy but we never know how their feelings inside. People called it Bipolar Disorder.
Some people struggle but some cannot.
Easy to cutting.
I wasn't cutting. I drank poison.
Hell that wasn't worked. I didn't die.
I googling about that damned disorder, it says because of genetic and childhood traumatic. I guess I am. My damned disorder mixed by eating disorder.
Day by day I'm goin to be a psychotic person who wants to murder people I hate.
I wish I can struggle or I just can end this shit life by the death.
Living in peace with my dad and my grandad. They called me like crazy. They came up asked me to live with them in heaven, no more annoying people, no more pressure for life, no more problems.
But I have people I love and I won't turn their lives being into the sorrow. My mom already insane because took care of me and my brother. She working hard to earn a lot of money so she don't even care what's goin on with her children's illness.
I guess my brother has something wrong just like me. But he always having a happy pill so he never felt what I feel. My brain damaged my physical going down. I always say to people, if you can't make me happy, just stay away from me before I break your damn life!
You tried to hurt me or people I love, don't ever beg for a comfortable life for yourself. I am a kind of nightmare for haters. just be careful of me. You hurt me, I'll take over your life. Deal with that.
Definition of Bipolar
How?
Crying then laughing
Up then down
Excited then breaking down
Deep deep and slowly ending life.
I am. I have a disorder.
Swinging moods like a little girl playing swing at the park seems happy but we never know how their feelings inside. People called it Bipolar Disorder.
Some people struggle but some cannot.
Easy to cutting.
I wasn't cutting. I drank poison.
Hell that wasn't worked. I didn't die.
I googling about that damned disorder, it says because of genetic and childhood traumatic. I guess I am. My damned disorder mixed by eating disorder.
Day by day I'm goin to be a psychotic person who wants to murder people I hate.
I wish I can struggle or I just can end this shit life by the death.
Living in peace with my dad and my grandad. They called me like crazy. They came up asked me to live with them in heaven, no more annoying people, no more pressure for life, no more problems.
But I have people I love and I won't turn their lives being into the sorrow. My mom already insane because took care of me and my brother. She working hard to earn a lot of money so she don't even care what's goin on with her children's illness.
I guess my brother has something wrong just like me. But he always having a happy pill so he never felt what I feel. My brain damaged my physical going down. I always say to people, if you can't make me happy, just stay away from me before I break your damn life!
You tried to hurt me or people I love, don't ever beg for a comfortable life for yourself. I am a kind of nightmare for haters. just be careful of me. You hurt me, I'll take over your life. Deal with that.
Definition of Bipolar
How?
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Sir, why don't you kill me?
I've been smoking cigarette since I was 12
Just to find and escape from the world..
Drugs are evil, they keep you high just for a moment.
Drugs killed people.
" You know? Your dad is killed by someone we don't know.
We can't find who and why. Your dad is such a nice guy. Very nice..
I've been tried to find out who and why, but someone just threatened me.
And I stopped. We will never know who and why".
Those words are so much unforgettable and stick in my mind forever.
Can't stop thinking about who and why.
Today, November 24th 2013
My little brother just got home at 4am he was so hangover with his friends.
My mom just worried about him, but he said he's okay.
He started talking about school, friends, and nearly our family.
He said he will study hard to get in to the right university with the best major he wanted.
He can't stop talking.
He said he needs me and my mom.
He said he will never study out of the town.
He said he's stressed out about mom because she's getting ill.
He said he wants to be something to prove people who underestimate him.
He said he will get bunch of money for me and mom.
He said he's got depressed about his life since my dad's died.
He didn't know if my dad died because someone drugs him.
If he knows, maybe he will find out who and why.
I love him. I love mom and dad more than anything.
I won't let my brother being hurt and pain.
I won't let my brother under pressure and depress.
I would trade any others just for dad being alive.
He is means so much to this family.
Sir, why don't you just kill me with those pills? Why you drug him?
You killed him, you kill my family slowly too.
I am so mad about this problem.
Drugs are so close with me now.
Sir, how if you my dad? Did your daughter or son will survive like us?
Why don't you just think like a normal adult?
You are an idiot adult.
Even I'm high, I feel so down.
Just to find and escape from the world..
Drugs are evil, they keep you high just for a moment.
Drugs killed people.
" You know? Your dad is killed by someone we don't know.
We can't find who and why. Your dad is such a nice guy. Very nice..
I've been tried to find out who and why, but someone just threatened me.
And I stopped. We will never know who and why".
Those words are so much unforgettable and stick in my mind forever.
Can't stop thinking about who and why.
Today, November 24th 2013
My little brother just got home at 4am he was so hangover with his friends.
My mom just worried about him, but he said he's okay.
He started talking about school, friends, and nearly our family.
He said he will study hard to get in to the right university with the best major he wanted.
He can't stop talking.
He said he needs me and my mom.
He said he will never study out of the town.
He said he's stressed out about mom because she's getting ill.
He said he wants to be something to prove people who underestimate him.
He said he will get bunch of money for me and mom.
He said he's got depressed about his life since my dad's died.
He didn't know if my dad died because someone drugs him.
If he knows, maybe he will find out who and why.
I love him. I love mom and dad more than anything.
I won't let my brother being hurt and pain.
I won't let my brother under pressure and depress.
I would trade any others just for dad being alive.
He is means so much to this family.
Sir, why don't you just kill me with those pills? Why you drug him?
You killed him, you kill my family slowly too.
I am so mad about this problem.
Drugs are so close with me now.
Sir, how if you my dad? Did your daughter or son will survive like us?
Why don't you just think like a normal adult?
You are an idiot adult.
Even I'm high, I feel so down.
Monday, July 8, 2013
Awake
Spending couple hours.. A box of fags.. Cups of coffee.. Some of sprinkle donuts..
Sitting in the coffee shop, see a bunch of people outside, read some billboard signs telling people about bullshit advertisement, see drivers mad because of traffic jam, watch the stupid soap opera on this coffee shop's tv, listening adults talking about their life, hearing people moaning about their jobs, see a perfect family having a lunch together, see the sun goes down..
Looking for my laptop's screen awhile. Searching some youtube videos from my favorite youtube stars. Suddenly I find out a video titled "Bipolar Disorder". I'm checking out and.. I surprised.
I don't even know why I'm alive. Sometimes I just want to die and live forever beside my dad in heaven, oh wait. Heaven? How's the looks of heaven? I want to see. But die isn't that easy.
I can't stand I'm growing too fast. Hold the seconds I miss my past. Being old is not that easy. I am growing up. I have to be something, something that you will never guess about.
I hate people. Honestly, they are posers.
But I always thank to God that I can open my eyes, inhale a fresh air, and putting a smile on my face even I got a lot of life's problems.
I'm awake this morning felt nothing to do like usual.
I want to be a normal girl, who felt loved and love people.
I won't to be ill. I won't pretending that I care to people, because I never felt how to be cared by.
I am awake and I have to go to sleep again so I can find myself in there.
About Bipolar
Sitting in the coffee shop, see a bunch of people outside, read some billboard signs telling people about bullshit advertisement, see drivers mad because of traffic jam, watch the stupid soap opera on this coffee shop's tv, listening adults talking about their life, hearing people moaning about their jobs, see a perfect family having a lunch together, see the sun goes down..
Looking for my laptop's screen awhile. Searching some youtube videos from my favorite youtube stars. Suddenly I find out a video titled "Bipolar Disorder". I'm checking out and.. I surprised.
I GOT A MENTAL DISORDER CALLED MIXED BIPOLAR DISEASE. I want to cry but the tears won't come. That is weird.
I don't even know why I'm alive. Sometimes I just want to die and live forever beside my dad in heaven, oh wait. Heaven? How's the looks of heaven? I want to see. But die isn't that easy.
I can't stand I'm growing too fast. Hold the seconds I miss my past. Being old is not that easy. I am growing up. I have to be something, something that you will never guess about.
I hate people. Honestly, they are posers.
But I always thank to God that I can open my eyes, inhale a fresh air, and putting a smile on my face even I got a lot of life's problems.
I'm awake this morning felt nothing to do like usual.
I want to be a normal girl, who felt loved and love people.
I won't to be ill. I won't pretending that I care to people, because I never felt how to be cared by.
I am awake and I have to go to sleep again so I can find myself in there.
About Bipolar
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