Can't Let Go

I love you

Everything's gonna be alright.

Looking for a bright light in the dark of life.

You know I care even I'm not always be there when you need me.

Don't you worry, everything's gonna be alright.

Sky is getting bright sooner or later.

The day when I said I'm afraid of finish my study. I'm afraid if I fail and make a mistake in life for twice. I've been failed and it was unforgettable. Make you cried and gone nuts. 

Can't even forgive myself.

But we can through the hardest part of life when we lost someone very special.

9 years ago this day feels so different.

I still can feel how tears falling down, and these eyes got punishment watching you cried over dad's body. People can easily say let go. Let your dad go and live peacefuly in heaven. But I can't help it. I can't lie to myself I won't let go. Never!

The way I solved some problems with alcohol and other bad stuff was wrong.

He's watching over me. I know he cried..

I'm sorry dad, I can't be your dream daughter.

I'm sorry mom, I can't be your smart daughter.

I'm sorry bro, I can't be your pretty sister.

I can't easily say sorry, but if I did I really mean it.

Life is getting bitter.

People getting sick. Sick mind!

There is no real love on people's heart.

All they wanted is just sex. 

Having a bleeding nose every single night is kinda killing me.

But makes me stronger for living.

I feel so close to you right now dad..

Can't wait to hug you right there and we can going somewhere, with mom and your son. Like we used to be. Real family :)

I know mom was a shit, because she married someone we never accepted.

Not because he will change your place, but I knew that guy wasn't that good.

You were the jerk one, dad!

But you're still my lovely jerk. And there is no place can't be changed by.

I don't have to tell you anything, because you already know what's happening.

Calm. everything's gonna be alright. Just be save in heaven and watch me growing up better.

I will take care of mom and brother. 

Kiss and pray for you both.

The best parents in both world.

xoxo

Poems For Mom and Dad

I Love You daddy

Crushes in my life may keep coming and going.
But, Daddy my love for you is a river that will keep flowing.
No matter how much you scold me, I know it's for my own good.
And even if i don't listen to you, you'll forgive me, I know you would.
You're so special to me more than you can imagine.
Without your advice and love, life by itself feels rotten.

My Father's Love

My father's love goes deeper and beyond words.
When I call out in pain, I can be sure I'll be heard.
When I need a hug, I know he'll be waiting with open arms,
And when I'm scared, he'll make sure I'm safe and sound.
When I need someone to talk, he'll be waiting for me to start.
When I'm sad and in pain, he'll be already mending my heart.
No matter what the situation is, my father will always be there.
When I'm looking for love, I'll open my eyes and find my love everywhere.

Daddy Dearest

Dearest Daddy,
How can I begin to tell you what you mean to me,
Whenever you're around the grass always seems to be green.
The sun is just never too hot and there's a rainbow in the sky.
You'll make all of us so happy, Dad.
I can just never deny.
I just want the best for you, cause you're so very dear.
My you perpetually go around spreading your lovely cheer.

You Made Me Strong

Everytime I fell, you pushed me up, shedding tears, you never let me drop one.
With my soul, and all my heart,
I wish you are there, to support till the end.
As you did, in the start.
With all the screaming love that you poured,
I believe, you carved me stronger through my core.
I love you Mom.

Be Entertaining Mom

She is innocent like Tom.
And yet so cute like Jerry.
She makes me laugh like Flintstones.
Yet she's understanding like Wilma.
She is beautiful like Sandra Bullock.
And loving like Gomes.
She is caring like Granny.
Yet witty like Tweety.
She is just not my mother.
She is my best friend.

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College?

My name is B.

I'm afraid of

-God

-Ghost

-Dog (even the cute one)

-Dead

-People

-And College.

Yes college! Or University. Whatever it called~

My dad said that I have to be something. I will. My mom said that I have to prove to the world I can be someone. Something in common between SOMETHING and SOMEONE. 

There is same SOME and have to be!

Actually I don't know what i'm talking about here. I just wanna tell you about COLLEGE LIFE.

Things when you hear COLLEGE or UNIVERSITY are : FUCKING SENIORS and FREEDOM OF LIVE.

I'm studying in the most favorite University in Indonesia like I told in my old blog. I was afraid of seniors, because there is a lot of stories about seniority in college life. I was really really fucked up when the first time I moved to the small village. I have to moved because my University out of my hometown. Not to far but pretty far it's like more than 100km from my hometown. I felt so amazingly lonely and wants to hang myself. The first time I live far away from my mom. It's totally killing!

Wait.. 

LIVING FAR AWAY FROM PARENT? OMG that is freakin awesome! haha just kidding. (I KNOW YOU READ THIS MOM!)

Okay, it's good because there is no more rule about have to be home at 9 or something like lame rules. And that's good because I can go anywhere and anytime with anybody. I love that. 

1 year.. 2 years.. crap! 2 years I've been studying in this creepy University. Why is that so creepy? Because there is a lot of stories about ghosts here. I hate it and I mean it haha.

2 years feel so fast. Just laugh everytime, not much tears I let go. I am insanely happy.

No more homesick because I usually like this. Yeah small village like I told. Just 1 small mall, no nightlife places. Students everwhere. I am bored! But I have to do this. for fuck sake!

One day, I'm join to the University's event. Pretty big event, I signed up for Security Guard. Because the leader is my senior so I'm so easily joining. I met some rare people there. The first time I saw them I just feel eww who the hell are they. Day by day we meet.. hour by hour we talked.. I like those people! They're from other faculties. They're jokers! They can cheer me up when I feel so down. I hope that we can always keep contact after this event done. 

University it's not really bad and you just don't expect too much to this University or College life. We don't live in a movie. Mini skirt with a cute rebel tanktop without a shirt and heels at college life is only exist in MOVIES. We live in reality. Bit sucks but it is. We have to still breathing and go on.

Enjoy the craps, that's the only way the craps won't bother you any longer..

Oh wait! 

BE YOURSELF DON'T CARE PEOPLE WILL LIKE YOU OR NOT.

Here they are.. Those rare people!

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The Only One Man

May 06th 1967 was born a boy in Middle Java Indonesia Asia. This boy called My Dad.

He grew up from an poor family, mom dad and 2 sisters and 1 brother. When he was teenager, he was so so naughty! He like to play football with his village friends, runaway from school, stole fruits from anywhere.

Done with his senior high school, he was looking for job to Jakarta, the capital city of Indonesia. Yes! he got a job as a junior cops (I don't know what's that called). He rent a small room like a dorm for living. He met a girl called My Mom and they had such a complicated relationship but it was so sweet love story I've ever heard :D 

1991 they decided to get married. They married with a tiny budget but its an unforgettable moment.  And 1992 they got their first baby called Me~! haha LOOK AT TINY ME! okay back to this. 

We stayed in police housing, not a big one but enough for 3 of us. The tiny me growing up so fast. He put me in police kindergarten it wasn't far from my house, so I can't be lazy for going to school. He is a hard men, he disciplined his family like a military.

I was so naughty, I was like a boy, taught my classmate to runaway from school, and I always made troubles! Anything. Everytime I did wrong, my dad always punch and hit me by police stuff like this.

I just can crying, but I always repeated the mistakes! And he keep punch me with this until I'm in first grade junior high school. He stopped because my mom told him to throw away that creepy stuff. I'm so phobia with that stuff. We moved to a better home when I was in kindergarten, that was so sad because I have to leave my childhood mates. I moved because my mom got promoted on her work. New home smell bad. But I faced it like a boss! I'm fine.

One day.. When I was in junior high school. My family will going to my sibling's home. My mom asked do I have any homework for tomorrow? I lied, I said no because if I said yes, we will not going anywhere. And then we go because my parents think I'm free no freakin homeworks. I was so happy visiting sibling's home because I can meet my cousins play random toys together. Well it's late almost 1 am we're home and the bad part just came out haha MY DAD FOUND THAT I HAVE A RELIGION TEST FOR TOMORROW!!!!! dang it! usqgeywegifg@##$$%#%^%Ujlu Yes! he was angry like a satan! haha. He punished me to study. I read the textbook and memorize all the questions and the answers after that my dad ask me the questions, if I can't answer.. He tell me to read that textbook again and call him when I'm ready. I was so scared because its late and he's tired it's like I give my soul to death reaper. Well I'm done with study at 3 am in the morning and I have to wake up at 6 because the class started at 7! I can do the test easily because I'm studying until I'm sick of study haha. 

My religion test got a perfect score and I passed the grade with the best rank in class. My dad brought my report book to his office and show it to all his friends! He feels so proud because his daughter got a #1 rank in class.

I started a new grade with a perfect feelings and that was the best moment part 38378425739 in my life, because my dad drove me to school and watching me with his glowing eyes it's like he really want to cry. I knew he is happy.

Elementary graduated. Continue to junior high school I was unlucky because I can't get in to my favorite school. So I continue study in worse school nearby my house. My parents looks like so sad because I can't get a best teachings. So I decided to study hard so I can move to better school when I pass that first grade. And yeppey! I did haha I moved to a better school on second grade.

Not cool as a new student. I wasn't easily talking to someone I was so shy. But the miracle just come to me haha I found some shit people who can accepted me whatever I am. I called them best junior high school. Here the best part of this blog.. You have to know.. Something.. Ready!? Okay.

September 27th 2005. 05.00AM 

I wake up with a mad face, my mom not waking me up. I'm out from my room and I saw my grandma and my uncle. 

I said " Where's mom!? Why she didn't wake me up! I'm late for school!!! ".

My grandma said: " Your mom have to go back to her office because she have to pick something she left ". I'm not answer anything I grab my towel and take a bath. I'm going to school by myself. 

In class, my classmate umh he's my cousin too.

He said: "Hey! You know that our sibling just got accident!?"

Me: "What!? no."

He: "Yeah, the name is Purnomo!"

Me: "LOL Purnomo is my dad's name HAHAHAHA". He ignored me then.

Suddenly, my teacher call me. She said someone pick me up because I have to go home for family event. LOL this is never happening before. I'm home then. I'm not thinking of anything I just guessing what event!? Why this is so important!? --- I LOOKED AT UTILITY POLES AND THERE'S A YELLOW FLAG WRITTEN "IPTU PURNOMO"!! (yellow flag is a small flag for muslim people there's someone passed away)

I didn't realize my tears just fall down like a waterfall... My heart like said HOLLYFUCKHOLLYFUCK!!@#$@#YH$!##!$@$^*(&(&#%! ARRRRGGGHHHH!

I'm home. I run inside and I hug I don't know who. I can't stop crying! My mom still on the hospital looking for my dad's body. My brother just picked up from school. After I changed my uniform my brother come in and hug me. I saw him like a poor poor little boy who doesn't have a dad anymore. 

Not too long. I heard the creepy ambulance sirene! It must be my daddy!!! I walked out weak, I look at the ambulance park in front of my house. I remember a month ago, I had dream that my dad die and the dream really come true because the same part of the ambulance park and where I'm standing watching the ambulance coming, that was really same! DEJAVU? I guess not. I saw my mom fatigued she can't stop crying and scream and fatigue.. Poor her. I can't do anything!!!! I followed my dad's body. They put him in living room with a wood bed. He still wear his cops uniform. I saw tears fall down to his ears.. I saw his ear bleeding. I still can't believe this is happening. The worst dream I've ever dreamed just coming true!? What a cruel life!!! 

I cleaned his tears and blood.. My mom watch his body while cry and close stare.

3 pm he buried. And I will never meet him for real again, I can't touch him. I can't hug him, I can't feel his cop's stick again.. I really want to wake up from this nightmare. Why is he leave us so fast!? 

For people who still have mom and dad, love him as long as you can. It was a perfect sadness feelings. You suicide because broken up with your bitches? You're dumb. Do not hurt your parents's feelings because they gave all they life for their kids.

Dad. I'm sorry I can't be perfect daughter..

I'm so sorry I wasn't say that I love you so much. I will do my best to make you proud. Dad, please wait me in heaven. I will come soon to meet you <3

I miss you so much, been 7 years you left me, but I still can't let you go.

You are the only man I love in my life.

Love you daddy..

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Chicken Pox

When I was a baby.. 

I was so freakin cute and small. I mean not fat as fuck like now haha. I don't have brother yet. My mom and my dad fallin love with me so bad! I didn't love them as they did because I don't even know what's love means..

Me, mom and dad was live in police dormitory because my dad is a policeman, it's not a big house but I really love live there, because we had such a friendly neighbors. We just have 2 bedrooms, 1 bathroom, kitchen and dining room being mixed to be 1 cute tiny room.

That's not my real home. Just lookin like haha I took it from google :)

Ahh we are such a cute perfect little family.
One day. Me as a cute baby.. attacked by freakin ill called CHICKEN POX! This creepy ill make me lookin like a little clown. I can't do anything except sleep-fed-sleep-fed-sleep and poop! yes that's what all babies did. 

yes that is me. The bald and tiny one haha fragile isn't it?
you can imagine how's the cute baby me got chicken pox!? 

My parents was so sad. I can feel it how was my mom's feeling D; My dad was craying staring at his daughter attacked by creepy red buttons. He hug me tight all night.
Until the disease moved to his body. He stopped working for a week. He can't go shower, can't go outside, he doesn't even can sleep like a normal people do. Every night he sleep, he must get in to the closet and hang his hands on hanger with rope so it can keep him from falling down. Yes like a bat hang their feet. 

A week later, the pox won't go away from his body. But he decided to go to work. He do shower and rub his face and all over his body with a hard towel so make the pox fall down. My mom won't let him to do that because it can left scratches. But my dad said " I can't stay at home like this. I have to do something to earn money for us. For us to live our life. I'm going "

My mom told me this story when I was 14 and I can't forget this. My dad is a real superhero! I love you mom and dad..

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