I Am Still Normal

Straight

Lesbo

Gay

Bisex

fuck that.

When I was in high school, I thought that I'm a lesbian.

I know that was crazy thought. But it's happened. I felt how to kissed by a girl, and touched.

Feels tingly and yucks! 

I tried to be a butch girl so I can revenged. My ex girlfriend wasn't a lesbian, but I changed her and for the first time she kissed a girl and that was me. 

I was a jerk.

I had a lot of girlfriends. I never think how they felt because it doesn't matter for me. 

I don't like the way we kissed, touched, even hugged. Felts so strange and creepy.

But some of my mates are lesbians, so I didn't feel wrong.

I graduated from high school and came to the university.

New start of live, new people around and there is no fears of being what I want.

I enjoyed life I called myself a bisex, because I do like boys.

But I can't just changed to be a straight one because I was a lesbian and if I change straight suddenly, my old mates will rejected me. 

I won't lose any of them. 

Until someday my lesbian best mate invited me to her girlfriend's event in the big one's club and bar.

The event was just for lesbian or gay people. 

I was so excited because I thought I can see some sexy dancers and some barbie girls with a cute mini dress. But beside, I thought about getting a new start with a boy. Not a gay one!

I came with my straight buddy. 

I dressed like a real girly, I arrived and super surprised because I saw a bunch of girls.

Wrong girls.

Butches everywhere, they had boobs but act like a guy. SUPER FAIL!

But there was a lot of sexy girls with a super cute heels. haha

I can't stop staring, my eyes swept all over the club.

I saw girls kissed each others. EWW!

I said to my straight buddy.

OMFG I need to pray to doomed this world soon! It's getting creepy spooky and horror more than The Conjuring movie.

My lesbian mate gave me a lot of shit so I can't feel my mouth. The music made those sick girls dance like they're in heaven. I met a girl. A weird one!

She danced with a fuckin speaker hahahaha 

She's not fit at all, short and not fashionable as a normal girl haha.

She is not a butch.

I talked to her and tried to hug her from behind but, I felt like God slap me in the face so I decided to made fun of her, getting laugh with my mates. 

My mate can't control herself, she was kinda dead by those amazing drinks and some pills.

I felt like oh God why I'm here? 

I'm not a lesbian. And never wanna be.

I feel so sorry about what happened in my past.

But I took as an experience. Not all of people want to try that, and I suggest don't ever try to be a guy or lesbian. It was not fun! And you can't literally stop.

Thanks for my best buddies, you guys took me to the bright life.

I realise that I am not a lesbian. I still love someone with cool beard and thin moustache. 

I like guy.

But if you invited me again for a bunch of free drinks, I'd love to come :p

The best experience in my life.

I love you guys, forever!

God's Power Trip

In Indonesia, Thursday kliwon is such a holly night, a lot of people coming to the holly graveyard or ancestor's grave to ask their life, healthy, money, love and something in life like that. Me and my mate just wondering how if we come to the ancestor's grave at kliwon night. And then here we go! 

January 30 2014. Thursday kliwon!

Me and my mate finally went to the ancestor's grave in sumedang, West Java. It called Dayeuh Luhur. We arrived at 4pm and we took a rest for a bit because the trip is kinda made us lost some energy haha.

After we took a short rest, we continued to the ancestor's grave. That wasn't the first time I'm going to the holly graves. Honestly it's cold and fogged. So that condition was totally supported us.

The first grave is the highest or the oldest one. Here's the view

There are a bunch of people pray for their life and hope for a better life. People burn something like a smell good candle, and spread some grave's flowers to the grave. Done with the oldest grave, we went to his third wife not pretty far from there. There was a same condition like this, bunch people pray and ask for a better life. 

In that grave, people can stay max 3 days and 3 nights. Looking for miracle of life haha. Nah seriously someone can get a miracle. Maybe they can see a ghosts after they went and pray there, or maybe you can see the future.. Well that's gonna be back to the God.
And I'm done with the wifey's grave.. Abah took us to the next grave. It's pretty far because this grave is the only one grave at the top of mountain. So we have to uphill. Lucky us because it wasn't summer, so there was no sun! haha 

Fogs everywhere, covered the path..
Honestly the view was amazing, because we are at the top of somewhere, so we can see around the hill and that was beautiful.

Step by step we're uphill, lots of stairs we stamps.. 
20 minutes to get up there. Pretty cold and so freakin windy.
There is the only one grave, and there is a stone.
This is nuts, the stone isn't so big but the weight is so so so over haha
Why?
Because supposedly said, the ancestor was sit there for meditation, he sat there for long time. And there is his sole at the stone. He wasn't dead. He was gone people said he's gone and left his stick and said "I left my stick here, so my grandchild who need a help, just come here because I'm here". The stick there and a lot of people make it for meditation. 

Done with this amazing grave, we're goin to the sacred bathing place. There is 7 magic water.
Each spring have a strength to make us better. I tried 4 of 7 springs there. One of that water taste good, not like the other springs. 

Believe it or not. 
All of it are goin back to our respective beliefs.
Back to God.
God made all of it.
Thank god for all of things you made.


the video of this trip

Real Study and Work (KKN2014)

Wtf is this? Okay. Real study and work in Indonesia can be happening when you're in university or technic school. I'm in university now so I have to feel what's that real study and work. In indonesia it called KKN (Kuliah Kerjaan Nyata).

First. I have to choose the subject and than I'm going to the village. Stay for a month with some people like a group. 20 person in this group. Thank god that I'm with some great people here. But the village is not proper :( haha that's doesn't matter for me now. When we came for survey we were like~ omg village! That's great for refreshing! Hmm some fields too it's like we're holiday~ damn! First week we just feel like we have to know each other. 

Haha here's the interesting story for 2 weeks. There's a guy named 'something'  he's super freak, we think he's a psycho. He likes to goin out at night alone no matter if thunder killing haha. Nah that's super hyper! He likes to make some idiotic codes for nothing. The point is he is freak. Some people afraid of him will do something dangerous like kill us haha.

Talking about people here. I met some new friends. They're proper nice, well at the first time people seems nice right?

Day by day, week by week we've been through together. Eat together, talk, laugh, until sharing unimportantly stuff.

I like them, I wanna stay like this but not into the KKN stuff. The first time I stay in this dead village, my friends busy thinking about how to make village's people like us. We tried to teach at elementary school until made some private for kids. 

But it wasn't long last haha that's super boring personally I don't really like to be friendly haha. With kids we have to keep our attitude.

Here we go H-4 before this shit ends.

Something seriously mistic just happened. The point is my friend saw something unproper! I won't say and dont make me to say. Every fuckin night we're sleeping worried. I really wanna go back home, sleep with my mom and be safe. Haha 

I like these new people, I don't like the village, I don't like the KKN shit. I won't do this again. Never

Friends of KKN 2014

Elementary kids

Isn't easy being a teacher :(

Eat together like a small family

The amazing meals we've got 

Celebrated birthday

One by one they got ill

Thanks for everyone who stay with me in a month. We've been through this together. You guys are amazing! Please keep contact. 

Shine

sun burning..

grey clouds coming..

not rain yet..

weird..

Why should we have a feeling?

Why we should know love?

Why don't we just have heart with same feelings?

Why did people can love each other?

This is how it feels being betrayed.

Broken.

Left an ash.

Craps happen.

Think a lot about life and how hard is it. We trying to struggle and fight the wild world. A girl was born with craps and she tried to be heard. She had a lot of dreams.. Her name is Shine. Long black hair and pretty much good looking.

Like her name, she likes to shining their friend's feelings. She have a lot of friends. She is so easy going girl. She just like her freedom of live. Everytime her friends call her to sharing, she would come or just on the phone with them.. 

One day, she feels down and broken.

She call every friends of her and trying to tell something, but no one of their friends want to hear her story. She tried every way to keep her smile for making people happy and hiding all her sadness. She lost someone we don't know. Why we don't know?

Because no one wants to hear her sadness..

She keep herself busy so she can forget that problem. Lost someone is kinda hard because it's letting go half of your heart. Shine goes crazy. She can't hold the problem any longer.

Thursday. October 24th

After she back from school, she sit in front of her laptop. Googling something..

finally.. She found a way to make herself cure from losing someone's problem.

She committed suicide. 

She keep saying 'there is another perfect person, beside me..'

Someone who made Shine suicide coming to her funeral with someone new, more perfect.

No more Shine who can shining her friend's hearts. 

Losing someone is hurt. But don't hurt yourself for someone else.

Friendship never working nowadays.

If you read this, look at yourself now

Who are you?

Who you need the most?

Who need you the most?

Maybe they're missing you out there.

or you just missing them out there?

Open up your heart and look around.

They might be around.

Shine might be around you.

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College?

My name is B.

I'm afraid of

-God

-Ghost

-Dog (even the cute one)

-Dead

-People

-And College.

Yes college! Or University. Whatever it called~

My dad said that I have to be something. I will. My mom said that I have to prove to the world I can be someone. Something in common between SOMETHING and SOMEONE. 

There is same SOME and have to be!

Actually I don't know what i'm talking about here. I just wanna tell you about COLLEGE LIFE.

Things when you hear COLLEGE or UNIVERSITY are : FUCKING SENIORS and FREEDOM OF LIVE.

I'm studying in the most favorite University in Indonesia like I told in my old blog. I was afraid of seniors, because there is a lot of stories about seniority in college life. I was really really fucked up when the first time I moved to the small village. I have to moved because my University out of my hometown. Not to far but pretty far it's like more than 100km from my hometown. I felt so amazingly lonely and wants to hang myself. The first time I live far away from my mom. It's totally killing!

Wait.. 

LIVING FAR AWAY FROM PARENT? OMG that is freakin awesome! haha just kidding. (I KNOW YOU READ THIS MOM!)

Okay, it's good because there is no more rule about have to be home at 9 or something like lame rules. And that's good because I can go anywhere and anytime with anybody. I love that. 

1 year.. 2 years.. crap! 2 years I've been studying in this creepy University. Why is that so creepy? Because there is a lot of stories about ghosts here. I hate it and I mean it haha.

2 years feel so fast. Just laugh everytime, not much tears I let go. I am insanely happy.

No more homesick because I usually like this. Yeah small village like I told. Just 1 small mall, no nightlife places. Students everwhere. I am bored! But I have to do this. for fuck sake!

One day, I'm join to the University's event. Pretty big event, I signed up for Security Guard. Because the leader is my senior so I'm so easily joining. I met some rare people there. The first time I saw them I just feel eww who the hell are they. Day by day we meet.. hour by hour we talked.. I like those people! They're from other faculties. They're jokers! They can cheer me up when I feel so down. I hope that we can always keep contact after this event done. 

University it's not really bad and you just don't expect too much to this University or College life. We don't live in a movie. Mini skirt with a cute rebel tanktop without a shirt and heels at college life is only exist in MOVIES. We live in reality. Bit sucks but it is. We have to still breathing and go on.

Enjoy the craps, that's the only way the craps won't bother you any longer..

Oh wait! 

BE YOURSELF DON'T CARE PEOPLE WILL LIKE YOU OR NOT.

Here they are.. Those rare people!

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Ever After

I was fell.. But that was so weird. I didn't feel hurt. Oh I was fallin love.

Fallin love with someone called X. The love story about X and Y came true. We've been together for couple weeks. This is abnormal. Nuts and complicated. X and Y didn't talk much. Didn't meet much but we fight all day. Days by days goes amazing, weeks by weeks goes insecure.. And we're done.

X broke up Y with a simple excuse. "I CAN'T STAND BY YOURSIDE ANY LONGER." that's it. He was changed like a stranger. I don't know him anymore. Who was that?A lot of questions jumped in my mind. Was you played me? Was that for a bet? We're we together just for making a rumor? What was that? and blablabla been thinking crazy. fight a lot with my mind..

Sadness hurt and pain. That's all I felt.But you know life is a happy ending. If the story goes sad ending, that is completely not an ending.So I went to somewhere over the rainbow to heal those pains. I met some new people. Do a lot of stuff for a week and back to my shit life with a brand new piece of heart and soul. A bit scare to loving people, but that's okay. I'm fineI'm totally cured now. 

Thanks for make me growing up. I realize that you are totally jerk because there's someone else beside  me and you in fact.

People told me the truth about you. I wasn't believe because I didn't feel what they felt. But now I'm no longer blind and they are right.you were the most person that I fight for. You never appreciated that.

Thanks for being such a jerk so I can save my other tears.Go ahead with that bitches and letting go the one who loved you the most.

We were cool. We are cold. And we will freeze.

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Trip

KeyHole

There is a lot of questions in life. Hardly type of question might be the most easily answered we'll get. Or maybe the most easier question can be the most hardly answered we'll get. Here's the question of the week, comes from my senior Addan Novpan.

24 hours of supermarket. Why they keep having a key hole on their front door?
Simple. But there is no answer yet.

One day Addan went to circle K.

They like supermarket. 24 HOURS CAPSLOCKED! Haha and Addan asked to the guy who worked there. 

Addan: "Is this 24 hours?"
The guy who worked there: "Yes man."
Addan: "Then why this place still have a key hole on that front door?"
The guy who worked there: ".................. *giggling*"

See. Simple things getting complicated just because you over thinking and you really have to know.
Simple things can be so hard when you see more.
So, don't underestimate the simple things in your life, and don't over think a small problem in your life because it just can make you feel life is so hard.

And I still wanna know why 24 hours place still have a key hole on their doors!?

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LOVE?

The English word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from pleasure.
Love is totally complicated, because people think they just love for boyfriend or girlfriend. Love is beautiful if you can manage it. Love is completely pretty when you realize it. Love is amazing when you feel it. Love is perfect when you feel it deep inside.

Do you believe in love on the first sight? I do. because I love mom and dad when the first time I opened my eyes. They're amazing shit I've ever loved. Ans their love will never ends to me. That's happening to all of your parents. So love them as they love you. It's forever love. That is so different when you're in love with a guy or a girl because it will end someday soon or late.

Girls are easily fallin love than the guys. I don't know why and I don't wanna know about it. It just happening like water flow away.. 

Fallin love is amazing feelings you've ever felt. Because everything goes slow motion and beautiful. But when you're in love, you have to be ready for any risks. Not all people can having their love back. And it's gonna be hurt so much. I gave everything I had to give to someone I like. I know that he stares at me all the time. My heart say yes, but my brain say no. It's hard because I have to fight with myself like an idiot. I won't let you go anywhere, any seconds. I can't call you mine, I just can have you on my sights. You've been on my mind for a long time, but you say you're just a friend. I whisper quietly to this heart to let you fly away, but you're flying around me instead. Loving you is such a killing me but you gave me a pain killer. 

People say you're a jerk, you're a player, you sucks and people hate you. But I think my eyes blind now, my ears deaf suddenly. Did you just do that? Well I enjoy it when you're around.

I can't tell because we have such an amazing friendship that I won't lose it. So don't go I will try to stop it because I know it wasn't good enough for you. It's going dark because a lot of people close their eyes. Doesn't mean that people hate their life, they just tired of life and had enough. Through the sorrow and the fights..

Loving God is the best way to be loved back. Try it or you will never know how to feel loved. It's awesome! I do now. God gave you everything you want, it just about the time or it's not good enough for you. I'm not such a religion person, but I always remember where were I made. The story I wrote that is a real story of mine. I felt it and I'm letting go hardly. But I have to do that for the best.


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B-

ME ISN'T EASY

You see that clouds goes cloudy?
I don't, because I already saw your face.
I don't wannabe the grey cloud in your sunshine life.

DON'T YOU EVER THINK, IF YOU DECIDED TO BE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE, THAT MEANS YOU'RE GETTING BRAVE? YOU MAY NOT BRAVE AS A SUPERHERO, BUT YOU'RE ALIVE AS A REAL SUPERHERO IN YOUR OWN MIND.

Why are we pretending? Why are we just pretending that love isn't real? Because if you don't want me, you should just tell me now. So I can save this tears. Well that's just some random cute quote haha. Let me tell you story about today. I feel so complicated about everything. But at least finer things came today.

Close your eyes, lets your heart take a rest, lets start dreaming about a better life. Don't open you're eyes if you're not ready to face the cruel world. I find myself acting very simple, I act to be me.
I can see how I see people, how I judge people suddenly, how I love someone, how I hate some people with no reason, and I couldn't find any foundations of myself. Who am I then? Why I'm here closing my eyes and acting as me. 

I open my eyes with fears. I have to learn how to be growing up, because I can't always close my eyes to avoid my fears. Life is hard but if we enjoy it, we will find what's called HAPPINESS. Hard to trust anyone, but you're not a computer that you can save all your stories. You have to socialize with a lot of people, trusting people it's like giving your half heart to someone you can be trusted. I don't fucking know why I'm saying this. My brain is not working well now. I wrote everything inside my brain now. You have to know that my half cell's brain is dead.

Do you feel you're an idiot when you read this blog? It's okay because you better judge yourself then you judge other people you will never know their stories. 

Believe it or not, there is someone sick wants to be a psychiatrist, he said I WANT TO BE A PSYCHIATRIST! I AM A SICK GUY! I KNOW HOW TO FEEL SICK! don't you get it what is that mean? This earth goes drowning. Just pray and do your best for life and death. Don't let your fears stop your dreams. Don't hurt people if you won't to be hurt. Karma does exist so be nice with people. I'm not a God and I'm not perfect, I just share how to be a good person in life.


Love
B-

Love Story Of X and Y

Once upon a time, there's a girl we can call her with a guest name. Umh we call her with X. She graduated from high school and continue her study in University in somewhere over the rainbow. She met a very nice guy we can call him mr Y. Mr Y is her classmate, they never wanted to be know each other. Until one day in class on admission of new students event, umh Indonesian people called it ospek. Friend's of mr Y making fun of X, and mr Y laugh out loud until X getting mad and she stand up from her chair and look at those guys said "STOP MAKING FUN OF PEOPLE! THAT IS NOT FUNNY AT ALL!!!" and those guys shut their mouth. From that terrible moment, mr Y trying to be friends with X. Day by day, they're getting closer.. One day mr Y meet X with her close friends on the way mr Y going back to his dorm. X asked to hang out together. Mr Y feel so awkward because people in their class think X and her friends are sociables girls. Like you know ...

 

But mr Y challenge himself to hang out with these girls. They eat, laugh and talking about other people in tiny resto because their University situated in small village, suddenly, X asking her friend to buy a drink. mr Y thinking : "HOLYCRAP!!!!! THEY WANT TO GET DRUNK NOW!? WHAT SHOULD I DO!? I DIDN'T DRINK!!!! OMG OMG OMFG!!!???" half hour later, one of X's friend coming with cheap drinks on her arm. Not kind of beers haha just some random alcohol. the girls start to drink and X offer the glass of alcohol to mr X. Mr X say no, BUT! he can't say no anymore haha. Not long, the girls getting drunk and they have to go back to dorm. Mr y hold X's hand, X feels so awkward and starting to feel something that people called LOVE. But now, everything's gone. No more love.. He decided to being friends, it's more than okay because it's pretty clear. I was happy when he's arround.

Thank God he changed me to be a better person, really better now..