How's Karma Say Hello

How's life in nowadays?
Have you heard about karma?
Karma will find you, everywhere you hiding
It still can find you

Ten years ago.
Me and my brother feels like we have no parents
Nobody wants to took care of our schools
It was always our grandparents.
They took our report books every years in the end of semester

Once, dad drove me to the school when I was in elementary school.
He looked after me, looking for my new class.
I was so happy
I studied hard so I got the first place in class.
Just remembering how happy my dad was.

But now,
After shit just happened, 
My dad passed away
Everything goes fucked up
My mom think that me and my brother left her
I don't think so

I called it as a karma.
My brother said " Mom! why are you teaching other kids? How about your kids? "
That was so unforgettable words.
Now I think that me and my brother get our life,
Mom just stay at home lots because she must complete her study.

I know she worked hard just for her kids,
but that's not just like that.
Kids nowadays need more attention.
But it's too late to fix everything
My mom just got her karma because,
long long time ago she was busy looking for money 
without thinking about attention to her kids.

Now, don't blame me and my brother.
We won't leave you
But sometimes, life pleased us to do that
For giving you a lesson in life.

You must be think that I am literally shit.
But think twice about what I write here.
Am I right?

I want to apologise if me and my brother hurt you.
but this is life, Mom
I feel pain sometimes, so do your son
So don't ever blame people for what you feel.
We just surviving, not alive.

Love you, xoxo

I am The Lucky Herpes

You can counting how many times you got hurt?
People says bad words can hurt us so bad.
I said good word can hurt us too.
I love you,
Yes. That sweet shit hurting people in many ways.

Call people and share about problems we got,  actually that can make us joy.
But they can't really give advices.
The only one can solve your problems is yourself.
People says A, but your heart says B.
You must be do the B, even that will be the hurt one.

My life been messed up, many times..
I bet everyone does.
People nowadays fucked up because of broken heart.
Some of them can't stand it so they decide to harm themselves, or they can do the stupid suicide.
We can't blame when someone did that.
We blame the person who hurt those victims.

I'm a 21 years old girl, nearly adult but I can't think clear about anything.
Once I'm fallin' love with someone I shouldn't.
He's already taken by an immature shit for 4 years or more I don't care.
A month after he said he loves me, I found out he's taken.
That was hurt so damn much. I tried to pushed him away.
I tried to keep the distance, I tried pretending to be the one who don't need him.
I tried many ways to forget the way he looked at me, the way he kissed my shoulder, the way he kissed my forehead, the way he hold my hand when I barely sleep while he drive me home, the way he pulled his hands on my hip while I hug him for the last time.

And then I fail.
It's easy for me to fallin' love with stranger. But he's different kind of stranger who can make me stay awake all night just for thinking about us, and gave me some nightmares because of my feelings for him.
I never wanted to be the herpes for cute couple. But it's already done.
The girl found out who am I and she think that I'm the reason of that boy told her about boredom in their relationship. I already said I have to go because I won't hurt anyone. He said don't.
It's hurt when that boy text me: "I'll pick my girl, I'll chat you later okay." he's gone awhile.
There was not okay for me. But I can pretending say it's okay with these tears going down on my face.

One day I think I'm tough enough to let him go and having a happy ending with his pet. I told him to fuck off.
Day 1.. I'm fine
Day 2.. Shhhiiiiiii...... I'm finnneeeee....tttttttt
Day 3.. DAMN IT! WHAT THE FUCK IS HIS LINE ID!? 
Day 4.. I did it talk to him again and we just pressed the restart button. We started all over again, like we didn't know each other before :p

Honestly my life is suddenly being full package of quotes and music videos.
Friend of mine said "that's all your choice, letting go of your short term happiness for your long term happiness or keep living in your comfort zone with him for happiness a short term, because one day he will be back with her pet, and you'll getting hurt for more. Sooner or later it'll be happening."

This week is the damn exams week.
Passed 2 exams, I'm late because of stay awake just overthinking of this matter.
Come to university with a fucked up face, without shower and cute big panda's eyes.
My mate said what's wrong with you!?
I said nothin, just fucked up by life and people. haha *poker face

The storm is getting bigger and make me drowning too much, until come one of my kind of sister.
I told her all the details.
She just say, go pray.. God knows and will help you, don't be ashame to cry and say please, because God just miss you, and God want you to remember if God does exist. When you feel hurt like this just remember you have mom and brother at home waiting for your best story, they will sad if they find out their love is getting insane like this. You want to see them sad? see your mom crying on her pray? Nobody wants. I can't give you any advice, just ask God and it'll be alright. 

I pray.. Pleased to help me grow my patience, and give the best for all people I love.
Feel better now, I told him to not talking to me in a day because today is his gf's birthday, I won't bother anyway. Just take your fun time with your girl. I'm fine

At the end I have to say ' Mature is when you can watch your person you love happy, even they're happy without you or not because of you. '
Sounds like bullshit.
Biggest bullshit. But the most fantastic moment is when you did the biggest bullshit.

I am still trying to figure this out.
He keep saying we met in a wrong way and the time shouldn't like this.
But it's already done and this is God's plan.
Make it worth or you just waste your time again for nothing.

I am sorry I love you.
But I'm not sorry for loving your boyfriend.
Heart's problem, you can't blame me.
xoxo

I Am Still Normal

Straight

Lesbo

Gay

Bisex

fuck that.

When I was in high school, I thought that I'm a lesbian.

I know that was crazy thought. But it's happened. I felt how to kissed by a girl, and touched.

Feels tingly and yucks! 

I tried to be a butch girl so I can revenged. My ex girlfriend wasn't a lesbian, but I changed her and for the first time she kissed a girl and that was me. 

I was a jerk.

I had a lot of girlfriends. I never think how they felt because it doesn't matter for me. 

I don't like the way we kissed, touched, even hugged. Felts so strange and creepy.

But some of my mates are lesbians, so I didn't feel wrong.

I graduated from high school and came to the university.

New start of live, new people around and there is no fears of being what I want.

I enjoyed life I called myself a bisex, because I do like boys.

But I can't just changed to be a straight one because I was a lesbian and if I change straight suddenly, my old mates will rejected me. 

I won't lose any of them. 

Until someday my lesbian best mate invited me to her girlfriend's event in the big one's club and bar.

The event was just for lesbian or gay people. 

I was so excited because I thought I can see some sexy dancers and some barbie girls with a cute mini dress. But beside, I thought about getting a new start with a boy. Not a gay one!

I came with my straight buddy. 

I dressed like a real girly, I arrived and super surprised because I saw a bunch of girls.

Wrong girls.

Butches everywhere, they had boobs but act like a guy. SUPER FAIL!

But there was a lot of sexy girls with a super cute heels. haha

I can't stop staring, my eyes swept all over the club.

I saw girls kissed each others. EWW!

I said to my straight buddy.

OMFG I need to pray to doomed this world soon! It's getting creepy spooky and horror more than The Conjuring movie.

My lesbian mate gave me a lot of shit so I can't feel my mouth. The music made those sick girls dance like they're in heaven. I met a girl. A weird one!

She danced with a fuckin speaker hahahaha 

She's not fit at all, short and not fashionable as a normal girl haha.

She is not a butch.

I talked to her and tried to hug her from behind but, I felt like God slap me in the face so I decided to made fun of her, getting laugh with my mates. 

My mate can't control herself, she was kinda dead by those amazing drinks and some pills.

I felt like oh God why I'm here? 

I'm not a lesbian. And never wanna be.

I feel so sorry about what happened in my past.

But I took as an experience. Not all of people want to try that, and I suggest don't ever try to be a guy or lesbian. It was not fun! And you can't literally stop.

Thanks for my best buddies, you guys took me to the bright life.

I realise that I am not a lesbian. I still love someone with cool beard and thin moustache. 

I like guy.

But if you invited me again for a bunch of free drinks, I'd love to come :p

The best experience in my life.

I love you guys, forever!

God's Power Trip

In Indonesia, Thursday kliwon is such a holly night, a lot of people coming to the holly graveyard or ancestor's grave to ask their life, healthy, money, love and something in life like that. Me and my mate just wondering how if we come to the ancestor's grave at kliwon night. And then here we go! 

January 30 2014. Thursday kliwon!

Me and my mate finally went to the ancestor's grave in sumedang, West Java. It called Dayeuh Luhur. We arrived at 4pm and we took a rest for a bit because the trip is kinda made us lost some energy haha.

After we took a short rest, we continued to the ancestor's grave. That wasn't the first time I'm going to the holly graves. Honestly it's cold and fogged. So that condition was totally supported us.

The first grave is the highest or the oldest one. Here's the view

There are a bunch of people pray for their life and hope for a better life. People burn something like a smell good candle, and spread some grave's flowers to the grave. Done with the oldest grave, we went to his third wife not pretty far from there. There was a same condition like this, bunch people pray and ask for a better life. 

In that grave, people can stay max 3 days and 3 nights. Looking for miracle of life haha. Nah seriously someone can get a miracle. Maybe they can see a ghosts after they went and pray there, or maybe you can see the future.. Well that's gonna be back to the God.
And I'm done with the wifey's grave.. Abah took us to the next grave. It's pretty far because this grave is the only one grave at the top of mountain. So we have to uphill. Lucky us because it wasn't summer, so there was no sun! haha 

Fogs everywhere, covered the path..
Honestly the view was amazing, because we are at the top of somewhere, so we can see around the hill and that was beautiful.

Step by step we're uphill, lots of stairs we stamps.. 
20 minutes to get up there. Pretty cold and so freakin windy.
There is the only one grave, and there is a stone.
This is nuts, the stone isn't so big but the weight is so so so over haha
Why?
Because supposedly said, the ancestor was sit there for meditation, he sat there for long time. And there is his sole at the stone. He wasn't dead. He was gone people said he's gone and left his stick and said "I left my stick here, so my grandchild who need a help, just come here because I'm here". The stick there and a lot of people make it for meditation. 

Done with this amazing grave, we're goin to the sacred bathing place. There is 7 magic water.
Each spring have a strength to make us better. I tried 4 of 7 springs there. One of that water taste good, not like the other springs. 

Believe it or not. 
All of it are goin back to our respective beliefs.
Back to God.
God made all of it.
Thank god for all of things you made.


the video of this trip

Real Study and Work (KKN2014)

Wtf is this? Okay. Real study and work in Indonesia can be happening when you're in university or technic school. I'm in university now so I have to feel what's that real study and work. In indonesia it called KKN (Kuliah Kerjaan Nyata).

First. I have to choose the subject and than I'm going to the village. Stay for a month with some people like a group. 20 person in this group. Thank god that I'm with some great people here. But the village is not proper :( haha that's doesn't matter for me now. When we came for survey we were like~ omg village! That's great for refreshing! Hmm some fields too it's like we're holiday~ damn! First week we just feel like we have to know each other. 

Haha here's the interesting story for 2 weeks. There's a guy named 'something'  he's super freak, we think he's a psycho. He likes to goin out at night alone no matter if thunder killing haha. Nah that's super hyper! He likes to make some idiotic codes for nothing. The point is he is freak. Some people afraid of him will do something dangerous like kill us haha.

Talking about people here. I met some new friends. They're proper nice, well at the first time people seems nice right?

Day by day, week by week we've been through together. Eat together, talk, laugh, until sharing unimportantly stuff.

I like them, I wanna stay like this but not into the KKN stuff. The first time I stay in this dead village, my friends busy thinking about how to make village's people like us. We tried to teach at elementary school until made some private for kids. 

But it wasn't long last haha that's super boring personally I don't really like to be friendly haha. With kids we have to keep our attitude.

Here we go H-4 before this shit ends.

Something seriously mistic just happened. The point is my friend saw something unproper! I won't say and dont make me to say. Every fuckin night we're sleeping worried. I really wanna go back home, sleep with my mom and be safe. Haha 

I like these new people, I don't like the village, I don't like the KKN shit. I won't do this again. Never

Friends of KKN 2014

Elementary kids

Isn't easy being a teacher :(

Eat together like a small family

The amazing meals we've got 

Celebrated birthday

One by one they got ill

Thanks for everyone who stay with me in a month. We've been through this together. You guys are amazing! Please keep contact. 

Everything Has Changed

Look up!
See!
There is a lot of stars up there..
Beautiful isn't it?

Sky never changed.
Stars always up there every night.
But when the grey clouds come out, the stars just hide for awhile.
It's like right now.

We were as one.
Now, everything's changing.
You said don't go, I ain't going anywhere.
When I stay, you just ignore me like a dumpster.
Pain is still a pain, I'm trying to refused the pain but I can't.
It's coming slapping me like a retard.

I didn't say that you are a retard, I said the pain.

I lost mine, you said that you want to stand beside me when I need help.
It just a bullshit speech though.
But thanks that you can made me stay.
Kinda hurt just being a fly between you and them.
But thanks that made me learn how to flying as a flies.

Jatinangor,
Cold as an ice. If we're together we can laugh now. Together..
Not just you and them. Did you just forget me?
Don't worry I will stay here whenever you need me I'll try to help.
I got my own zone, my world and my own happiness.
I'm okay alone, but I'm better with you.

You are just a boy who can't grow up because you just focused your life in one straight line.
I'm not trying to be arrogant, but you made me.

We are still be friends until someday the real big problem will separate us.
Someday..
Wish that day will never come.

Love you a lot, Mate :)

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Shine

sun burning..

grey clouds coming..

not rain yet..

weird..

Why should we have a feeling?

Why we should know love?

Why don't we just have heart with same feelings?

Why did people can love each other?

This is how it feels being betrayed.

Broken.

Left an ash.

Craps happen.

Think a lot about life and how hard is it. We trying to struggle and fight the wild world. A girl was born with craps and she tried to be heard. She had a lot of dreams.. Her name is Shine. Long black hair and pretty much good looking.

Like her name, she likes to shining their friend's feelings. She have a lot of friends. She is so easy going girl. She just like her freedom of live. Everytime her friends call her to sharing, she would come or just on the phone with them.. 

One day, she feels down and broken.

She call every friends of her and trying to tell something, but no one of their friends want to hear her story. She tried every way to keep her smile for making people happy and hiding all her sadness. She lost someone we don't know. Why we don't know?

Because no one wants to hear her sadness..

She keep herself busy so she can forget that problem. Lost someone is kinda hard because it's letting go half of your heart. Shine goes crazy. She can't hold the problem any longer.

Thursday. October 24th

After she back from school, she sit in front of her laptop. Googling something..

finally.. She found a way to make herself cure from losing someone's problem.

She committed suicide. 

She keep saying 'there is another perfect person, beside me..'

Someone who made Shine suicide coming to her funeral with someone new, more perfect.

No more Shine who can shining her friend's hearts. 

Losing someone is hurt. But don't hurt yourself for someone else.

Friendship never working nowadays.

If you read this, look at yourself now

Who are you?

Who you need the most?

Who need you the most?

Maybe they're missing you out there.

or you just missing them out there?

Open up your heart and look around.

They might be around.

Shine might be around you.

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College?

My name is B.

I'm afraid of

-God

-Ghost

-Dog (even the cute one)

-Dead

-People

-And College.

Yes college! Or University. Whatever it called~

My dad said that I have to be something. I will. My mom said that I have to prove to the world I can be someone. Something in common between SOMETHING and SOMEONE. 

There is same SOME and have to be!

Actually I don't know what i'm talking about here. I just wanna tell you about COLLEGE LIFE.

Things when you hear COLLEGE or UNIVERSITY are : FUCKING SENIORS and FREEDOM OF LIVE.

I'm studying in the most favorite University in Indonesia like I told in my old blog. I was afraid of seniors, because there is a lot of stories about seniority in college life. I was really really fucked up when the first time I moved to the small village. I have to moved because my University out of my hometown. Not to far but pretty far it's like more than 100km from my hometown. I felt so amazingly lonely and wants to hang myself. The first time I live far away from my mom. It's totally killing!

Wait.. 

LIVING FAR AWAY FROM PARENT? OMG that is freakin awesome! haha just kidding. (I KNOW YOU READ THIS MOM!)

Okay, it's good because there is no more rule about have to be home at 9 or something like lame rules. And that's good because I can go anywhere and anytime with anybody. I love that. 

1 year.. 2 years.. crap! 2 years I've been studying in this creepy University. Why is that so creepy? Because there is a lot of stories about ghosts here. I hate it and I mean it haha.

2 years feel so fast. Just laugh everytime, not much tears I let go. I am insanely happy.

No more homesick because I usually like this. Yeah small village like I told. Just 1 small mall, no nightlife places. Students everwhere. I am bored! But I have to do this. for fuck sake!

One day, I'm join to the University's event. Pretty big event, I signed up for Security Guard. Because the leader is my senior so I'm so easily joining. I met some rare people there. The first time I saw them I just feel eww who the hell are they. Day by day we meet.. hour by hour we talked.. I like those people! They're from other faculties. They're jokers! They can cheer me up when I feel so down. I hope that we can always keep contact after this event done. 

University it's not really bad and you just don't expect too much to this University or College life. We don't live in a movie. Mini skirt with a cute rebel tanktop without a shirt and heels at college life is only exist in MOVIES. We live in reality. Bit sucks but it is. We have to still breathing and go on.

Enjoy the craps, that's the only way the craps won't bother you any longer..

Oh wait! 

BE YOURSELF DON'T CARE PEOPLE WILL LIKE YOU OR NOT.

Here they are.. Those rare people!

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