Can't Let Go

I love you

Everything's gonna be alright.

Looking for a bright light in the dark of life.

You know I care even I'm not always be there when you need me.

Don't you worry, everything's gonna be alright.

Sky is getting bright sooner or later.

The day when I said I'm afraid of finish my study. I'm afraid if I fail and make a mistake in life for twice. I've been failed and it was unforgettable. Make you cried and gone nuts. 

Can't even forgive myself.

But we can through the hardest part of life when we lost someone very special.

9 years ago this day feels so different.

I still can feel how tears falling down, and these eyes got punishment watching you cried over dad's body. People can easily say let go. Let your dad go and live peacefuly in heaven. But I can't help it. I can't lie to myself I won't let go. Never!

The way I solved some problems with alcohol and other bad stuff was wrong.

He's watching over me. I know he cried..

I'm sorry dad, I can't be your dream daughter.

I'm sorry mom, I can't be your smart daughter.

I'm sorry bro, I can't be your pretty sister.

I can't easily say sorry, but if I did I really mean it.

Life is getting bitter.

People getting sick. Sick mind!

There is no real love on people's heart.

All they wanted is just sex. 

Having a bleeding nose every single night is kinda killing me.

But makes me stronger for living.

I feel so close to you right now dad..

Can't wait to hug you right there and we can going somewhere, with mom and your son. Like we used to be. Real family :)

I know mom was a shit, because she married someone we never accepted.

Not because he will change your place, but I knew that guy wasn't that good.

You were the jerk one, dad!

But you're still my lovely jerk. And there is no place can't be changed by.

I don't have to tell you anything, because you already know what's happening.

Calm. everything's gonna be alright. Just be save in heaven and watch me growing up better.

I will take care of mom and brother. 

Kiss and pray for you both.

The best parents in both world.

xoxo

Love Story Of X and Y

Once upon a time, there's a girl we can call her with a guest name. Umh we call her with X. She graduated from high school and continue her study in University in somewhere over the rainbow. She met a very nice guy we can call him mr Y. Mr Y is her classmate, they never wanted to be know each other. Until one day in class on admission of new students event, umh Indonesian people called it ospek. Friend's of mr Y making fun of X, and mr Y laugh out loud until X getting mad and she stand up from her chair and look at those guys said "STOP MAKING FUN OF PEOPLE! THAT IS NOT FUNNY AT ALL!!!" and those guys shut their mouth. From that terrible moment, mr Y trying to be friends with X. Day by day, they're getting closer.. One day mr Y meet X with her close friends on the way mr Y going back to his dorm. X asked to hang out together. Mr Y feel so awkward because people in their class think X and her friends are sociables girls. Like you know ...

 

But mr Y challenge himself to hang out with these girls. They eat, laugh and talking about other people in tiny resto because their University situated in small village, suddenly, X asking her friend to buy a drink. mr Y thinking : "HOLYCRAP!!!!! THEY WANT TO GET DRUNK NOW!? WHAT SHOULD I DO!? I DIDN'T DRINK!!!! OMG OMG OMFG!!!???" half hour later, one of X's friend coming with cheap drinks on her arm. Not kind of beers haha just some random alcohol. the girls start to drink and X offer the glass of alcohol to mr X. Mr X say no, BUT! he can't say no anymore haha. Not long, the girls getting drunk and they have to go back to dorm. Mr y hold X's hand, X feels so awkward and starting to feel something that people called LOVE. But now, everything's gone. No more love.. He decided to being friends, it's more than okay because it's pretty clear. I was happy when he's arround.

Thank God he changed me to be a better person, really better now..

The Only One Man

May 06th 1967 was born a boy in Middle Java Indonesia Asia. This boy called My Dad.

He grew up from an poor family, mom dad and 2 sisters and 1 brother. When he was teenager, he was so so naughty! He like to play football with his village friends, runaway from school, stole fruits from anywhere.

Done with his senior high school, he was looking for job to Jakarta, the capital city of Indonesia. Yes! he got a job as a junior cops (I don't know what's that called). He rent a small room like a dorm for living. He met a girl called My Mom and they had such a complicated relationship but it was so sweet love story I've ever heard :D 

1991 they decided to get married. They married with a tiny budget but its an unforgettable moment.  And 1992 they got their first baby called Me~! haha LOOK AT TINY ME! okay back to this. 

We stayed in police housing, not a big one but enough for 3 of us. The tiny me growing up so fast. He put me in police kindergarten it wasn't far from my house, so I can't be lazy for going to school. He is a hard men, he disciplined his family like a military.

I was so naughty, I was like a boy, taught my classmate to runaway from school, and I always made troubles! Anything. Everytime I did wrong, my dad always punch and hit me by police stuff like this.

I just can crying, but I always repeated the mistakes! And he keep punch me with this until I'm in first grade junior high school. He stopped because my mom told him to throw away that creepy stuff. I'm so phobia with that stuff. We moved to a better home when I was in kindergarten, that was so sad because I have to leave my childhood mates. I moved because my mom got promoted on her work. New home smell bad. But I faced it like a boss! I'm fine.

One day.. When I was in junior high school. My family will going to my sibling's home. My mom asked do I have any homework for tomorrow? I lied, I said no because if I said yes, we will not going anywhere. And then we go because my parents think I'm free no freakin homeworks. I was so happy visiting sibling's home because I can meet my cousins play random toys together. Well it's late almost 1 am we're home and the bad part just came out haha MY DAD FOUND THAT I HAVE A RELIGION TEST FOR TOMORROW!!!!! dang it! usqgeywegifg@##$$%#%^%Ujlu Yes! he was angry like a satan! haha. He punished me to study. I read the textbook and memorize all the questions and the answers after that my dad ask me the questions, if I can't answer.. He tell me to read that textbook again and call him when I'm ready. I was so scared because its late and he's tired it's like I give my soul to death reaper. Well I'm done with study at 3 am in the morning and I have to wake up at 6 because the class started at 7! I can do the test easily because I'm studying until I'm sick of study haha. 

My religion test got a perfect score and I passed the grade with the best rank in class. My dad brought my report book to his office and show it to all his friends! He feels so proud because his daughter got a #1 rank in class.

I started a new grade with a perfect feelings and that was the best moment part 38378425739 in my life, because my dad drove me to school and watching me with his glowing eyes it's like he really want to cry. I knew he is happy.

Elementary graduated. Continue to junior high school I was unlucky because I can't get in to my favorite school. So I continue study in worse school nearby my house. My parents looks like so sad because I can't get a best teachings. So I decided to study hard so I can move to better school when I pass that first grade. And yeppey! I did haha I moved to a better school on second grade.

Not cool as a new student. I wasn't easily talking to someone I was so shy. But the miracle just come to me haha I found some shit people who can accepted me whatever I am. I called them best junior high school. Here the best part of this blog.. You have to know.. Something.. Ready!? Okay.

September 27th 2005. 05.00AM 

I wake up with a mad face, my mom not waking me up. I'm out from my room and I saw my grandma and my uncle. 

I said " Where's mom!? Why she didn't wake me up! I'm late for school!!! ".

My grandma said: " Your mom have to go back to her office because she have to pick something she left ". I'm not answer anything I grab my towel and take a bath. I'm going to school by myself. 

In class, my classmate umh he's my cousin too.

He said: "Hey! You know that our sibling just got accident!?"

Me: "What!? no."

He: "Yeah, the name is Purnomo!"

Me: "LOL Purnomo is my dad's name HAHAHAHA". He ignored me then.

Suddenly, my teacher call me. She said someone pick me up because I have to go home for family event. LOL this is never happening before. I'm home then. I'm not thinking of anything I just guessing what event!? Why this is so important!? --- I LOOKED AT UTILITY POLES AND THERE'S A YELLOW FLAG WRITTEN "IPTU PURNOMO"!! (yellow flag is a small flag for muslim people there's someone passed away)

I didn't realize my tears just fall down like a waterfall... My heart like said HOLLYFUCKHOLLYFUCK!!@#$@#YH$!##!$@$^*(&(&#%! ARRRRGGGHHHH!

I'm home. I run inside and I hug I don't know who. I can't stop crying! My mom still on the hospital looking for my dad's body. My brother just picked up from school. After I changed my uniform my brother come in and hug me. I saw him like a poor poor little boy who doesn't have a dad anymore. 

Not too long. I heard the creepy ambulance sirene! It must be my daddy!!! I walked out weak, I look at the ambulance park in front of my house. I remember a month ago, I had dream that my dad die and the dream really come true because the same part of the ambulance park and where I'm standing watching the ambulance coming, that was really same! DEJAVU? I guess not. I saw my mom fatigued she can't stop crying and scream and fatigue.. Poor her. I can't do anything!!!! I followed my dad's body. They put him in living room with a wood bed. He still wear his cops uniform. I saw tears fall down to his ears.. I saw his ear bleeding. I still can't believe this is happening. The worst dream I've ever dreamed just coming true!? What a cruel life!!! 

I cleaned his tears and blood.. My mom watch his body while cry and close stare.

3 pm he buried. And I will never meet him for real again, I can't touch him. I can't hug him, I can't feel his cop's stick again.. I really want to wake up from this nightmare. Why is he leave us so fast!? 

For people who still have mom and dad, love him as long as you can. It was a perfect sadness feelings. You suicide because broken up with your bitches? You're dumb. Do not hurt your parents's feelings because they gave all they life for their kids.

Dad. I'm sorry I can't be perfect daughter..

I'm so sorry I wasn't say that I love you so much. I will do my best to make you proud. Dad, please wait me in heaven. I will come soon to meet you <3

I miss you so much, been 7 years you left me, but I still can't let you go.

You are the only man I love in my life.

Love you daddy..

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Chicken Pox

When I was a baby.. 

I was so freakin cute and small. I mean not fat as fuck like now haha. I don't have brother yet. My mom and my dad fallin love with me so bad! I didn't love them as they did because I don't even know what's love means..

Me, mom and dad was live in police dormitory because my dad is a policeman, it's not a big house but I really love live there, because we had such a friendly neighbors. We just have 2 bedrooms, 1 bathroom, kitchen and dining room being mixed to be 1 cute tiny room.

That's not my real home. Just lookin like haha I took it from google :)

Ahh we are such a cute perfect little family.
One day. Me as a cute baby.. attacked by freakin ill called CHICKEN POX! This creepy ill make me lookin like a little clown. I can't do anything except sleep-fed-sleep-fed-sleep and poop! yes that's what all babies did. 

yes that is me. The bald and tiny one haha fragile isn't it?
you can imagine how's the cute baby me got chicken pox!? 

My parents was so sad. I can feel it how was my mom's feeling D; My dad was craying staring at his daughter attacked by creepy red buttons. He hug me tight all night.
Until the disease moved to his body. He stopped working for a week. He can't go shower, can't go outside, he doesn't even can sleep like a normal people do. Every night he sleep, he must get in to the closet and hang his hands on hanger with rope so it can keep him from falling down. Yes like a bat hang their feet. 

A week later, the pox won't go away from his body. But he decided to go to work. He do shower and rub his face and all over his body with a hard towel so make the pox fall down. My mom won't let him to do that because it can left scratches. But my dad said " I can't stay at home like this. I have to do something to earn money for us. For us to live our life. I'm going "

My mom told me this story when I was 14 and I can't forget this. My dad is a real superhero! I love you mom and dad..

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