How's Karma Say Hello

How's life in nowadays?
Have you heard about karma?
Karma will find you, everywhere you hiding
It still can find you

Ten years ago.
Me and my brother feels like we have no parents
Nobody wants to took care of our schools
It was always our grandparents.
They took our report books every years in the end of semester

Once, dad drove me to the school when I was in elementary school.
He looked after me, looking for my new class.
I was so happy
I studied hard so I got the first place in class.
Just remembering how happy my dad was.

But now,
After shit just happened, 
My dad passed away
Everything goes fucked up
My mom think that me and my brother left her
I don't think so

I called it as a karma.
My brother said " Mom! why are you teaching other kids? How about your kids? "
That was so unforgettable words.
Now I think that me and my brother get our life,
Mom just stay at home lots because she must complete her study.

I know she worked hard just for her kids,
but that's not just like that.
Kids nowadays need more attention.
But it's too late to fix everything
My mom just got her karma because,
long long time ago she was busy looking for money 
without thinking about attention to her kids.

Now, don't blame me and my brother.
We won't leave you
But sometimes, life pleased us to do that
For giving you a lesson in life.

You must be think that I am literally shit.
But think twice about what I write here.
Am I right?

I want to apologise if me and my brother hurt you.
but this is life, Mom
I feel pain sometimes, so do your son
So don't ever blame people for what you feel.
We just surviving, not alive.

Love you, xoxo

Four Pieces Sad Poems Of Mine

Broken Hearts and Prayers

When your heart chooses a path, and you walk so far,
nothing can turn you back from where you are.
No pain, no scars can make you turn away, there's nothing that anyone can do nor say.
You're scared, your hurting and the tears seem to never end,
but you think in your mind "I would do it all again".
For the little moments, that get you through the bad,
For the few happy moments that get you through the sad.
For the few laughs and smile, and the jokes and the care,that you wish so wholeheartedly would always be there.

You'd try to make them happy in ever possible way, but it seems to worsen with every passing day.
All you want is for them to hold you and let you know that they care,
but know matter how hard you try, they don't, and it doesn't seem fair.
Your whole heart now broken, you hope for a change,
but you know somehow even through your prayers they will always be the same. 
Your love won't let you leave,
and you continue to hope for the best,
and pray every night that God will take care of the rest.



Do You Know

Do you know a life of loneliness and one filled with pain living a life with nothing to gain.
Surrounded by darkness Overwhelmed with shame.
A life without peace with no one to blame.
Do you know of a place unseen, a place that holds only shattered dreams,
A place filled with sorrow with no end in sight,
I am given this gift each and every night. Do you know of a place so cold,
this is the place I call my soul.
A place without hope or comforting dreams, a life not worth living wouldn't it seem

Do you know of a life, that should have never been, and the feeling that today, this life has to end.
One more day of sadness is much too hard to bare,
I am tired of living a life of heart ache and despair.
Do you know a person with so much pain inside,
or the feeling of loneliness when no one hears your cries, maybe when the tears are gone,
and I can clearly see, the
only question left will be..
do you know me?


I Tried

I tried so hard.
I tried my best.
I gave you my all,
and now there's nothing left.

You stole my heart, then tore it in two.
Now I'm falling apart, and don't know what to do.
Divided by decisions, burned by the fire.
Confused by your words.
Tempted by desire.

I'm living in the present.
My mind is on the past.
Not knowing what I'll lose.
Not knowing what will last.

Blinded by fear.
Drowning in doubt.
Struggling to be free.
Looking for a way out.  


Where Do I Go?

Where do I go?
When I'm feeling so lost and I don't want to be found.
When I'm looking and listening for that peace in my heart.
But I know I'll never hear that sound.

Where do I go?
Where do I go when I'm trying to laugh but all I can do I cry?
I'm trying to keep on living because I'm not ready to die.
Where do I go because the sun never seems to shine?
Can you give me my life back it's not yours it's mine?
How do I keep going, how do I fight this fight?
I'm tired of feeling beat down,
but I'm trying with all my might!

Where do I go when my head hangs so low?
Please give me an answer because I just don't know!
Where do I go?
Does it take very long?
For me to find that peace and a place where I belong.
I need you to help me, help me to take a stand.
I'm scared to do it by myself, will you please take my hand?
Where do I go? Where do I go? Where do I go?
Do you know? 

Real Study and Work (KKN2014)

Wtf is this? Okay. Real study and work in Indonesia can be happening when you're in university or technic school. I'm in university now so I have to feel what's that real study and work. In indonesia it called KKN (Kuliah Kerjaan Nyata).

First. I have to choose the subject and than I'm going to the village. Stay for a month with some people like a group. 20 person in this group. Thank god that I'm with some great people here. But the village is not proper :( haha that's doesn't matter for me now. When we came for survey we were like~ omg village! That's great for refreshing! Hmm some fields too it's like we're holiday~ damn! First week we just feel like we have to know each other. 

Haha here's the interesting story for 2 weeks. There's a guy named 'something'  he's super freak, we think he's a psycho. He likes to goin out at night alone no matter if thunder killing haha. Nah that's super hyper! He likes to make some idiotic codes for nothing. The point is he is freak. Some people afraid of him will do something dangerous like kill us haha.

Talking about people here. I met some new friends. They're proper nice, well at the first time people seems nice right?

Day by day, week by week we've been through together. Eat together, talk, laugh, until sharing unimportantly stuff.

I like them, I wanna stay like this but not into the KKN stuff. The first time I stay in this dead village, my friends busy thinking about how to make village's people like us. We tried to teach at elementary school until made some private for kids. 

But it wasn't long last haha that's super boring personally I don't really like to be friendly haha. With kids we have to keep our attitude.

Here we go H-4 before this shit ends.

Something seriously mistic just happened. The point is my friend saw something unproper! I won't say and dont make me to say. Every fuckin night we're sleeping worried. I really wanna go back home, sleep with my mom and be safe. Haha 

I like these new people, I don't like the village, I don't like the KKN shit. I won't do this again. Never

Friends of KKN 2014

Elementary kids

Isn't easy being a teacher :(

Eat together like a small family

The amazing meals we've got 

Celebrated birthday

One by one they got ill

Thanks for everyone who stay with me in a month. We've been through this together. You guys are amazing! Please keep contact. 

ME ISN'T EASY

You see that clouds goes cloudy?
I don't, because I already saw your face.
I don't wannabe the grey cloud in your sunshine life.

DON'T YOU EVER THINK, IF YOU DECIDED TO BE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE, THAT MEANS YOU'RE GETTING BRAVE? YOU MAY NOT BRAVE AS A SUPERHERO, BUT YOU'RE ALIVE AS A REAL SUPERHERO IN YOUR OWN MIND.

Why are we pretending? Why are we just pretending that love isn't real? Because if you don't want me, you should just tell me now. So I can save this tears. Well that's just some random cute quote haha. Let me tell you story about today. I feel so complicated about everything. But at least finer things came today.

Close your eyes, lets your heart take a rest, lets start dreaming about a better life. Don't open you're eyes if you're not ready to face the cruel world. I find myself acting very simple, I act to be me.
I can see how I see people, how I judge people suddenly, how I love someone, how I hate some people with no reason, and I couldn't find any foundations of myself. Who am I then? Why I'm here closing my eyes and acting as me. 

I open my eyes with fears. I have to learn how to be growing up, because I can't always close my eyes to avoid my fears. Life is hard but if we enjoy it, we will find what's called HAPPINESS. Hard to trust anyone, but you're not a computer that you can save all your stories. You have to socialize with a lot of people, trusting people it's like giving your half heart to someone you can be trusted. I don't fucking know why I'm saying this. My brain is not working well now. I wrote everything inside my brain now. You have to know that my half cell's brain is dead.

Do you feel you're an idiot when you read this blog? It's okay because you better judge yourself then you judge other people you will never know their stories. 

Believe it or not, there is someone sick wants to be a psychiatrist, he said I WANT TO BE A PSYCHIATRIST! I AM A SICK GUY! I KNOW HOW TO FEEL SICK! don't you get it what is that mean? This earth goes drowning. Just pray and do your best for life and death. Don't let your fears stop your dreams. Don't hurt people if you won't to be hurt. Karma does exist so be nice with people. I'm not a God and I'm not perfect, I just share how to be a good person in life.


Love
B-

The Only One Man

May 06th 1967 was born a boy in Middle Java Indonesia Asia. This boy called My Dad.

He grew up from an poor family, mom dad and 2 sisters and 1 brother. When he was teenager, he was so so naughty! He like to play football with his village friends, runaway from school, stole fruits from anywhere.

Done with his senior high school, he was looking for job to Jakarta, the capital city of Indonesia. Yes! he got a job as a junior cops (I don't know what's that called). He rent a small room like a dorm for living. He met a girl called My Mom and they had such a complicated relationship but it was so sweet love story I've ever heard :D 

1991 they decided to get married. They married with a tiny budget but its an unforgettable moment.  And 1992 they got their first baby called Me~! haha LOOK AT TINY ME! okay back to this. 

We stayed in police housing, not a big one but enough for 3 of us. The tiny me growing up so fast. He put me in police kindergarten it wasn't far from my house, so I can't be lazy for going to school. He is a hard men, he disciplined his family like a military.

I was so naughty, I was like a boy, taught my classmate to runaway from school, and I always made troubles! Anything. Everytime I did wrong, my dad always punch and hit me by police stuff like this.

I just can crying, but I always repeated the mistakes! And he keep punch me with this until I'm in first grade junior high school. He stopped because my mom told him to throw away that creepy stuff. I'm so phobia with that stuff. We moved to a better home when I was in kindergarten, that was so sad because I have to leave my childhood mates. I moved because my mom got promoted on her work. New home smell bad. But I faced it like a boss! I'm fine.

One day.. When I was in junior high school. My family will going to my sibling's home. My mom asked do I have any homework for tomorrow? I lied, I said no because if I said yes, we will not going anywhere. And then we go because my parents think I'm free no freakin homeworks. I was so happy visiting sibling's home because I can meet my cousins play random toys together. Well it's late almost 1 am we're home and the bad part just came out haha MY DAD FOUND THAT I HAVE A RELIGION TEST FOR TOMORROW!!!!! dang it! usqgeywegifg@##$$%#%^%Ujlu Yes! he was angry like a satan! haha. He punished me to study. I read the textbook and memorize all the questions and the answers after that my dad ask me the questions, if I can't answer.. He tell me to read that textbook again and call him when I'm ready. I was so scared because its late and he's tired it's like I give my soul to death reaper. Well I'm done with study at 3 am in the morning and I have to wake up at 6 because the class started at 7! I can do the test easily because I'm studying until I'm sick of study haha. 

My religion test got a perfect score and I passed the grade with the best rank in class. My dad brought my report book to his office and show it to all his friends! He feels so proud because his daughter got a #1 rank in class.

I started a new grade with a perfect feelings and that was the best moment part 38378425739 in my life, because my dad drove me to school and watching me with his glowing eyes it's like he really want to cry. I knew he is happy.

Elementary graduated. Continue to junior high school I was unlucky because I can't get in to my favorite school. So I continue study in worse school nearby my house. My parents looks like so sad because I can't get a best teachings. So I decided to study hard so I can move to better school when I pass that first grade. And yeppey! I did haha I moved to a better school on second grade.

Not cool as a new student. I wasn't easily talking to someone I was so shy. But the miracle just come to me haha I found some shit people who can accepted me whatever I am. I called them best junior high school. Here the best part of this blog.. You have to know.. Something.. Ready!? Okay.

September 27th 2005. 05.00AM 

I wake up with a mad face, my mom not waking me up. I'm out from my room and I saw my grandma and my uncle. 

I said " Where's mom!? Why she didn't wake me up! I'm late for school!!! ".

My grandma said: " Your mom have to go back to her office because she have to pick something she left ". I'm not answer anything I grab my towel and take a bath. I'm going to school by myself. 

In class, my classmate umh he's my cousin too.

He said: "Hey! You know that our sibling just got accident!?"

Me: "What!? no."

He: "Yeah, the name is Purnomo!"

Me: "LOL Purnomo is my dad's name HAHAHAHA". He ignored me then.

Suddenly, my teacher call me. She said someone pick me up because I have to go home for family event. LOL this is never happening before. I'm home then. I'm not thinking of anything I just guessing what event!? Why this is so important!? --- I LOOKED AT UTILITY POLES AND THERE'S A YELLOW FLAG WRITTEN "IPTU PURNOMO"!! (yellow flag is a small flag for muslim people there's someone passed away)

I didn't realize my tears just fall down like a waterfall... My heart like said HOLLYFUCKHOLLYFUCK!!@#$@#YH$!##!$@$^*(&(&#%! ARRRRGGGHHHH!

I'm home. I run inside and I hug I don't know who. I can't stop crying! My mom still on the hospital looking for my dad's body. My brother just picked up from school. After I changed my uniform my brother come in and hug me. I saw him like a poor poor little boy who doesn't have a dad anymore. 

Not too long. I heard the creepy ambulance sirene! It must be my daddy!!! I walked out weak, I look at the ambulance park in front of my house. I remember a month ago, I had dream that my dad die and the dream really come true because the same part of the ambulance park and where I'm standing watching the ambulance coming, that was really same! DEJAVU? I guess not. I saw my mom fatigued she can't stop crying and scream and fatigue.. Poor her. I can't do anything!!!! I followed my dad's body. They put him in living room with a wood bed. He still wear his cops uniform. I saw tears fall down to his ears.. I saw his ear bleeding. I still can't believe this is happening. The worst dream I've ever dreamed just coming true!? What a cruel life!!! 

I cleaned his tears and blood.. My mom watch his body while cry and close stare.

3 pm he buried. And I will never meet him for real again, I can't touch him. I can't hug him, I can't feel his cop's stick again.. I really want to wake up from this nightmare. Why is he leave us so fast!? 

For people who still have mom and dad, love him as long as you can. It was a perfect sadness feelings. You suicide because broken up with your bitches? You're dumb. Do not hurt your parents's feelings because they gave all they life for their kids.

Dad. I'm sorry I can't be perfect daughter..

I'm so sorry I wasn't say that I love you so much. I will do my best to make you proud. Dad, please wait me in heaven. I will come soon to meet you <3

I miss you so much, been 7 years you left me, but I still can't let you go.

You are the only man I love in my life.

Love you daddy..

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Chicken Pox

When I was a baby.. 

I was so freakin cute and small. I mean not fat as fuck like now haha. I don't have brother yet. My mom and my dad fallin love with me so bad! I didn't love them as they did because I don't even know what's love means..

Me, mom and dad was live in police dormitory because my dad is a policeman, it's not a big house but I really love live there, because we had such a friendly neighbors. We just have 2 bedrooms, 1 bathroom, kitchen and dining room being mixed to be 1 cute tiny room.

That's not my real home. Just lookin like haha I took it from google :)

Ahh we are such a cute perfect little family.
One day. Me as a cute baby.. attacked by freakin ill called CHICKEN POX! This creepy ill make me lookin like a little clown. I can't do anything except sleep-fed-sleep-fed-sleep and poop! yes that's what all babies did. 

yes that is me. The bald and tiny one haha fragile isn't it?
you can imagine how's the cute baby me got chicken pox!? 

My parents was so sad. I can feel it how was my mom's feeling D; My dad was craying staring at his daughter attacked by creepy red buttons. He hug me tight all night.
Until the disease moved to his body. He stopped working for a week. He can't go shower, can't go outside, he doesn't even can sleep like a normal people do. Every night he sleep, he must get in to the closet and hang his hands on hanger with rope so it can keep him from falling down. Yes like a bat hang their feet. 

A week later, the pox won't go away from his body. But he decided to go to work. He do shower and rub his face and all over his body with a hard towel so make the pox fall down. My mom won't let him to do that because it can left scratches. But my dad said " I can't stay at home like this. I have to do something to earn money for us. For us to live our life. I'm going "

My mom told me this story when I was 14 and I can't forget this. My dad is a real superhero! I love you mom and dad..

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