How's Karma Say Hello

How's life in nowadays?
Have you heard about karma?
Karma will find you, everywhere you hiding
It still can find you

Ten years ago.
Me and my brother feels like we have no parents
Nobody wants to took care of our schools
It was always our grandparents.
They took our report books every years in the end of semester

Once, dad drove me to the school when I was in elementary school.
He looked after me, looking for my new class.
I was so happy
I studied hard so I got the first place in class.
Just remembering how happy my dad was.

But now,
After shit just happened, 
My dad passed away
Everything goes fucked up
My mom think that me and my brother left her
I don't think so

I called it as a karma.
My brother said " Mom! why are you teaching other kids? How about your kids? "
That was so unforgettable words.
Now I think that me and my brother get our life,
Mom just stay at home lots because she must complete her study.

I know she worked hard just for her kids,
but that's not just like that.
Kids nowadays need more attention.
But it's too late to fix everything
My mom just got her karma because,
long long time ago she was busy looking for money 
without thinking about attention to her kids.

Now, don't blame me and my brother.
We won't leave you
But sometimes, life pleased us to do that
For giving you a lesson in life.

You must be think that I am literally shit.
But think twice about what I write here.
Am I right?

I want to apologise if me and my brother hurt you.
but this is life, Mom
I feel pain sometimes, so do your son
So don't ever blame people for what you feel.
We just surviving, not alive.

Love you, xoxo

Can't Let Go

I love you

Everything's gonna be alright.

Looking for a bright light in the dark of life.

You know I care even I'm not always be there when you need me.

Don't you worry, everything's gonna be alright.

Sky is getting bright sooner or later.

The day when I said I'm afraid of finish my study. I'm afraid if I fail and make a mistake in life for twice. I've been failed and it was unforgettable. Make you cried and gone nuts. 

Can't even forgive myself.

But we can through the hardest part of life when we lost someone very special.

9 years ago this day feels so different.

I still can feel how tears falling down, and these eyes got punishment watching you cried over dad's body. People can easily say let go. Let your dad go and live peacefuly in heaven. But I can't help it. I can't lie to myself I won't let go. Never!

The way I solved some problems with alcohol and other bad stuff was wrong.

He's watching over me. I know he cried..

I'm sorry dad, I can't be your dream daughter.

I'm sorry mom, I can't be your smart daughter.

I'm sorry bro, I can't be your pretty sister.

I can't easily say sorry, but if I did I really mean it.

Life is getting bitter.

People getting sick. Sick mind!

There is no real love on people's heart.

All they wanted is just sex. 

Having a bleeding nose every single night is kinda killing me.

But makes me stronger for living.

I feel so close to you right now dad..

Can't wait to hug you right there and we can going somewhere, with mom and your son. Like we used to be. Real family :)

I know mom was a shit, because she married someone we never accepted.

Not because he will change your place, but I knew that guy wasn't that good.

You were the jerk one, dad!

But you're still my lovely jerk. And there is no place can't be changed by.

I don't have to tell you anything, because you already know what's happening.

Calm. everything's gonna be alright. Just be save in heaven and watch me growing up better.

I will take care of mom and brother. 

Kiss and pray for you both.

The best parents in both world.

xoxo

Sir, why don't you kill me?

I've been smoking cigarette since I was 12
Just  to find and escape from the world..
Drugs are evil, they keep you high just for a moment.
Drugs killed people.

" You know? Your dad is killed by someone we don't know.
We can't find who and why. Your dad is such a nice guy. Very nice..
I've been tried to find out who and why, but someone just threatened me.
And I stopped. We will never know who and why".

Those words are so much unforgettable and stick in  my mind forever.
Can't stop thinking about who and why.

Today, November 24th 2013

My little brother just got home at 4am he was so hangover with his friends.
My mom just worried about him, but he said he's okay.
He started talking about school, friends, and nearly our family.

He said he will study hard to get in to the right university with the best major he wanted.
He can't stop talking.
He said he needs me and my mom.
He said he will never study out of the town.
He said he's stressed out about mom because she's getting ill.
He said he wants to be something to prove people who underestimate him.
He said he will get bunch of money for me and mom.
He said he's got depressed about his life since my dad's died.

He didn't know if my dad died because someone drugs him.
If he knows, maybe he will find out who and why.
I love him. I love mom and dad more than anything.
I won't let my brother being hurt and pain.
I won't let my brother under pressure and depress.
I would trade any others just for dad being alive.
He is means so much to this family.

Sir, why don't you just kill me with those pills? Why you drug him?
You killed him, you kill my family slowly too.
I am so mad about this problem.
Drugs are so close with me now.

Sir, how if you my dad? Did your daughter or son will survive like us?
Why don't you just think like a normal adult?
You are an idiot adult.

Even I'm high, I feel so down.

Poems For Mom and Dad

I Love You daddy

Crushes in my life may keep coming and going.
But, Daddy my love for you is a river that will keep flowing.
No matter how much you scold me, I know it's for my own good.
And even if i don't listen to you, you'll forgive me, I know you would.
You're so special to me more than you can imagine.
Without your advice and love, life by itself feels rotten.

My Father's Love

My father's love goes deeper and beyond words.
When I call out in pain, I can be sure I'll be heard.
When I need a hug, I know he'll be waiting with open arms,
And when I'm scared, he'll make sure I'm safe and sound.
When I need someone to talk, he'll be waiting for me to start.
When I'm sad and in pain, he'll be already mending my heart.
No matter what the situation is, my father will always be there.
When I'm looking for love, I'll open my eyes and find my love everywhere.

Daddy Dearest

Dearest Daddy,
How can I begin to tell you what you mean to me,
Whenever you're around the grass always seems to be green.
The sun is just never too hot and there's a rainbow in the sky.
You'll make all of us so happy, Dad.
I can just never deny.
I just want the best for you, cause you're so very dear.
My you perpetually go around spreading your lovely cheer.

You Made Me Strong

Everytime I fell, you pushed me up, shedding tears, you never let me drop one.
With my soul, and all my heart,
I wish you are there, to support till the end.
As you did, in the start.
With all the screaming love that you poured,
I believe, you carved me stronger through my core.
I love you Mom.

Be Entertaining Mom

She is innocent like Tom.
And yet so cute like Jerry.
She makes me laugh like Flintstones.
Yet she's understanding like Wilma.
She is beautiful like Sandra Bullock.
And loving like Gomes.
She is caring like Granny.
Yet witty like Tweety.
She is just not my mother.
She is my best friend.

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Incredible Woman

Do you ever feel wanted to kill someone? I do. I wanted to kill people who hurts my little family, include my close mates. Because I don't wanna see these people got hurt. I never wanted to hear there is people I love crying because of stupid reason. MOM.. fragile woman but she pretending like she's strong as a horse. Here some story about her..

 

The day where's my her husband died, I saw her as a figure women who desperate because of half of her soul is missing. How pathetic but I can't do anything.. People keep saying that I have to patient and I have to be something so my parents will proud of me, don't you know that is a disgusting advices!? You guys just saying without know how I feel inside. That's heavy! Day by day everything changing like insanely. People changing so fast like the weather nowadays. Her husband died but her life must go on because it cannot stop her life too. In her office, she got an offered by her head office to deliver money to office eradication of corruption, because a lot of corruption in her office. But she won't do that because it's like a bribe and that is not good at all, if she got catched she will join people in cells. LOL so she won't do that.. Her head office said she will get demotion, she is so stressed out because she thought about her kids at home. She told me everything then I said, don't worry mom, money can be find. But in fact she got promoted! Lol what a surprise. God is always give the best. The hard part can be accepted is when she told me about get married again, why I mad? because she told me a month before the marriage. How crazy is that!? I don't even know who's the guy, me and my brother got really mad but finally we understand and accepted her decision. But don't blame us for against that guy.. After get married, this fragile woman getting more and more religious like crazy! That is too much. I don't like it.

 

Sometimes I don't want to be a parents, because parents have to take a responsible about everything. But it cannot be happen haha The woman that I called Incredible is my mom. She is the best woman I've ever have. I love you Mom, forever and ever! I don't wanna lose you. I'm sorry if I can't be something now, but I keep trying to be something and you'll be proud of me someday. I will take you and your son with me when I success. We have to be a perfect little family, just you me and your little son. Thanks for being my mom.

YOU ARE FUCKING THE BEST~
Do not ever underestimate small people because you can't compare your life with another person. Life must balance.

10 Years From Now

Yesterday, I was in my course.. This is kinda weird because my course's teacher wasn't graduated from English literature. He studied psychology. He always teach the students about psychology stuff in his class. The first time I studied, he read my ability and kind of psychology stuff. HAHA I was shocked because he's kinda like knows everything. Well that wasn't really bad. Why I post this blog? Because I will compare my dreams what I wrote here, with the reality in 10 YEARS FROM NOW.

Now I'm just a student of popular University in Indonesia called Padjadjaran University. I studied Russian literature and language, bit strange yee haha because I've been trapped in there. I don't like Russian but I have to learn about everything.

 

 Beside there I have one little brother

 

 he's on high school right now. And of course mom and step dad. I have a lot of single time for hanging out with them even my mom is a bit busy, but still have a time for spending it together. I really love my family because they're everything I have right now. I won't lose any of them. And now I'm not a religion person, but I always try to be. Because God always know what I want. I have a lot of good friends right now..

 








They are a good friends of mine. I like to do a video stuff like shooting, editing, and publishing. I don't know what should I work as in the future. I think my brain doesn't work well. Or maybe my half cells dead? HAHA just kidding. The best lesson is our life. Won't stop doing video stuff because I really in love with it. My mom supported me!!! YAY OKAY HERE WE GO..

   

we talked about dreams here, I can be anything I want. Let's start! I will have a lot of BACKSTABBER FRIENDS! because I have a lot of money. They just want my money and popularity. I don't expect much about this shit part called friendship, because everything in life is a game, so I have to play it. Enough talking about friendship in 10 years. Talking about my family, me mom and lil brother have a lot of more time to spending together, because we moved together to United State of America, because of course I have a big movie production like umh.. Ryan murphy production or Will Smith production. something swag like that haha. I own a big famous production with a super cool people in there. And all celebrities in the world wants to be my friends because I am Tiarabead HAHAHA I will never forget whoever help me in my past life, because behind a success person is the best of the best people in this world.

MOM, DAD, BROTHER, BESTFRIENDS, AND WHOEVER CARES WITH ME. THANK YOU

what!? makin fun of this blog? go on. let's see who's laughing in 10 years from now...

The Only One Man

May 06th 1967 was born a boy in Middle Java Indonesia Asia. This boy called My Dad.

He grew up from an poor family, mom dad and 2 sisters and 1 brother. When he was teenager, he was so so naughty! He like to play football with his village friends, runaway from school, stole fruits from anywhere.

Done with his senior high school, he was looking for job to Jakarta, the capital city of Indonesia. Yes! he got a job as a junior cops (I don't know what's that called). He rent a small room like a dorm for living. He met a girl called My Mom and they had such a complicated relationship but it was so sweet love story I've ever heard :D 

1991 they decided to get married. They married with a tiny budget but its an unforgettable moment.  And 1992 they got their first baby called Me~! haha LOOK AT TINY ME! okay back to this. 

We stayed in police housing, not a big one but enough for 3 of us. The tiny me growing up so fast. He put me in police kindergarten it wasn't far from my house, so I can't be lazy for going to school. He is a hard men, he disciplined his family like a military.

I was so naughty, I was like a boy, taught my classmate to runaway from school, and I always made troubles! Anything. Everytime I did wrong, my dad always punch and hit me by police stuff like this.

I just can crying, but I always repeated the mistakes! And he keep punch me with this until I'm in first grade junior high school. He stopped because my mom told him to throw away that creepy stuff. I'm so phobia with that stuff. We moved to a better home when I was in kindergarten, that was so sad because I have to leave my childhood mates. I moved because my mom got promoted on her work. New home smell bad. But I faced it like a boss! I'm fine.

One day.. When I was in junior high school. My family will going to my sibling's home. My mom asked do I have any homework for tomorrow? I lied, I said no because if I said yes, we will not going anywhere. And then we go because my parents think I'm free no freakin homeworks. I was so happy visiting sibling's home because I can meet my cousins play random toys together. Well it's late almost 1 am we're home and the bad part just came out haha MY DAD FOUND THAT I HAVE A RELIGION TEST FOR TOMORROW!!!!! dang it! usqgeywegifg@##$$%#%^%Ujlu Yes! he was angry like a satan! haha. He punished me to study. I read the textbook and memorize all the questions and the answers after that my dad ask me the questions, if I can't answer.. He tell me to read that textbook again and call him when I'm ready. I was so scared because its late and he's tired it's like I give my soul to death reaper. Well I'm done with study at 3 am in the morning and I have to wake up at 6 because the class started at 7! I can do the test easily because I'm studying until I'm sick of study haha. 

My religion test got a perfect score and I passed the grade with the best rank in class. My dad brought my report book to his office and show it to all his friends! He feels so proud because his daughter got a #1 rank in class.

I started a new grade with a perfect feelings and that was the best moment part 38378425739 in my life, because my dad drove me to school and watching me with his glowing eyes it's like he really want to cry. I knew he is happy.

Elementary graduated. Continue to junior high school I was unlucky because I can't get in to my favorite school. So I continue study in worse school nearby my house. My parents looks like so sad because I can't get a best teachings. So I decided to study hard so I can move to better school when I pass that first grade. And yeppey! I did haha I moved to a better school on second grade.

Not cool as a new student. I wasn't easily talking to someone I was so shy. But the miracle just come to me haha I found some shit people who can accepted me whatever I am. I called them best junior high school. Here the best part of this blog.. You have to know.. Something.. Ready!? Okay.

September 27th 2005. 05.00AM 

I wake up with a mad face, my mom not waking me up. I'm out from my room and I saw my grandma and my uncle. 

I said " Where's mom!? Why she didn't wake me up! I'm late for school!!! ".

My grandma said: " Your mom have to go back to her office because she have to pick something she left ". I'm not answer anything I grab my towel and take a bath. I'm going to school by myself. 

In class, my classmate umh he's my cousin too.

He said: "Hey! You know that our sibling just got accident!?"

Me: "What!? no."

He: "Yeah, the name is Purnomo!"

Me: "LOL Purnomo is my dad's name HAHAHAHA". He ignored me then.

Suddenly, my teacher call me. She said someone pick me up because I have to go home for family event. LOL this is never happening before. I'm home then. I'm not thinking of anything I just guessing what event!? Why this is so important!? --- I LOOKED AT UTILITY POLES AND THERE'S A YELLOW FLAG WRITTEN "IPTU PURNOMO"!! (yellow flag is a small flag for muslim people there's someone passed away)

I didn't realize my tears just fall down like a waterfall... My heart like said HOLLYFUCKHOLLYFUCK!!@#$@#YH$!##!$@$^*(&(&#%! ARRRRGGGHHHH!

I'm home. I run inside and I hug I don't know who. I can't stop crying! My mom still on the hospital looking for my dad's body. My brother just picked up from school. After I changed my uniform my brother come in and hug me. I saw him like a poor poor little boy who doesn't have a dad anymore. 

Not too long. I heard the creepy ambulance sirene! It must be my daddy!!! I walked out weak, I look at the ambulance park in front of my house. I remember a month ago, I had dream that my dad die and the dream really come true because the same part of the ambulance park and where I'm standing watching the ambulance coming, that was really same! DEJAVU? I guess not. I saw my mom fatigued she can't stop crying and scream and fatigue.. Poor her. I can't do anything!!!! I followed my dad's body. They put him in living room with a wood bed. He still wear his cops uniform. I saw tears fall down to his ears.. I saw his ear bleeding. I still can't believe this is happening. The worst dream I've ever dreamed just coming true!? What a cruel life!!! 

I cleaned his tears and blood.. My mom watch his body while cry and close stare.

3 pm he buried. And I will never meet him for real again, I can't touch him. I can't hug him, I can't feel his cop's stick again.. I really want to wake up from this nightmare. Why is he leave us so fast!? 

For people who still have mom and dad, love him as long as you can. It was a perfect sadness feelings. You suicide because broken up with your bitches? You're dumb. Do not hurt your parents's feelings because they gave all they life for their kids.

Dad. I'm sorry I can't be perfect daughter..

I'm so sorry I wasn't say that I love you so much. I will do my best to make you proud. Dad, please wait me in heaven. I will come soon to meet you <3

I miss you so much, been 7 years you left me, but I still can't let you go.

You are the only man I love in my life.

Love you daddy..

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