I Am Still Normal

Straight

Lesbo

Gay

Bisex

fuck that.

When I was in high school, I thought that I'm a lesbian.

I know that was crazy thought. But it's happened. I felt how to kissed by a girl, and touched.

Feels tingly and yucks! 

I tried to be a butch girl so I can revenged. My ex girlfriend wasn't a lesbian, but I changed her and for the first time she kissed a girl and that was me. 

I was a jerk.

I had a lot of girlfriends. I never think how they felt because it doesn't matter for me. 

I don't like the way we kissed, touched, even hugged. Felts so strange and creepy.

But some of my mates are lesbians, so I didn't feel wrong.

I graduated from high school and came to the university.

New start of live, new people around and there is no fears of being what I want.

I enjoyed life I called myself a bisex, because I do like boys.

But I can't just changed to be a straight one because I was a lesbian and if I change straight suddenly, my old mates will rejected me. 

I won't lose any of them. 

Until someday my lesbian best mate invited me to her girlfriend's event in the big one's club and bar.

The event was just for lesbian or gay people. 

I was so excited because I thought I can see some sexy dancers and some barbie girls with a cute mini dress. But beside, I thought about getting a new start with a boy. Not a gay one!

I came with my straight buddy. 

I dressed like a real girly, I arrived and super surprised because I saw a bunch of girls.

Wrong girls.

Butches everywhere, they had boobs but act like a guy. SUPER FAIL!

But there was a lot of sexy girls with a super cute heels. haha

I can't stop staring, my eyes swept all over the club.

I saw girls kissed each others. EWW!

I said to my straight buddy.

OMFG I need to pray to doomed this world soon! It's getting creepy spooky and horror more than The Conjuring movie.

My lesbian mate gave me a lot of shit so I can't feel my mouth. The music made those sick girls dance like they're in heaven. I met a girl. A weird one!

She danced with a fuckin speaker hahahaha 

She's not fit at all, short and not fashionable as a normal girl haha.

She is not a butch.

I talked to her and tried to hug her from behind but, I felt like God slap me in the face so I decided to made fun of her, getting laugh with my mates. 

My mate can't control herself, she was kinda dead by those amazing drinks and some pills.

I felt like oh God why I'm here? 

I'm not a lesbian. And never wanna be.

I feel so sorry about what happened in my past.

But I took as an experience. Not all of people want to try that, and I suggest don't ever try to be a guy or lesbian. It was not fun! And you can't literally stop.

Thanks for my best buddies, you guys took me to the bright life.

I realise that I am not a lesbian. I still love someone with cool beard and thin moustache. 

I like guy.

But if you invited me again for a bunch of free drinks, I'd love to come :p

The best experience in my life.

I love you guys, forever!

Can't Let Go

I love you

Everything's gonna be alright.

Looking for a bright light in the dark of life.

You know I care even I'm not always be there when you need me.

Don't you worry, everything's gonna be alright.

Sky is getting bright sooner or later.

The day when I said I'm afraid of finish my study. I'm afraid if I fail and make a mistake in life for twice. I've been failed and it was unforgettable. Make you cried and gone nuts. 

Can't even forgive myself.

But we can through the hardest part of life when we lost someone very special.

9 years ago this day feels so different.

I still can feel how tears falling down, and these eyes got punishment watching you cried over dad's body. People can easily say let go. Let your dad go and live peacefuly in heaven. But I can't help it. I can't lie to myself I won't let go. Never!

The way I solved some problems with alcohol and other bad stuff was wrong.

He's watching over me. I know he cried..

I'm sorry dad, I can't be your dream daughter.

I'm sorry mom, I can't be your smart daughter.

I'm sorry bro, I can't be your pretty sister.

I can't easily say sorry, but if I did I really mean it.

Life is getting bitter.

People getting sick. Sick mind!

There is no real love on people's heart.

All they wanted is just sex. 

Having a bleeding nose every single night is kinda killing me.

But makes me stronger for living.

I feel so close to you right now dad..

Can't wait to hug you right there and we can going somewhere, with mom and your son. Like we used to be. Real family :)

I know mom was a shit, because she married someone we never accepted.

Not because he will change your place, but I knew that guy wasn't that good.

You were the jerk one, dad!

But you're still my lovely jerk. And there is no place can't be changed by.

I don't have to tell you anything, because you already know what's happening.

Calm. everything's gonna be alright. Just be save in heaven and watch me growing up better.

I will take care of mom and brother. 

Kiss and pray for you both.

The best parents in both world.

xoxo

God's Power Trip

In Indonesia, Thursday kliwon is such a holly night, a lot of people coming to the holly graveyard or ancestor's grave to ask their life, healthy, money, love and something in life like that. Me and my mate just wondering how if we come to the ancestor's grave at kliwon night. And then here we go! 

January 30 2014. Thursday kliwon!

Me and my mate finally went to the ancestor's grave in sumedang, West Java. It called Dayeuh Luhur. We arrived at 4pm and we took a rest for a bit because the trip is kinda made us lost some energy haha.

After we took a short rest, we continued to the ancestor's grave. That wasn't the first time I'm going to the holly graves. Honestly it's cold and fogged. So that condition was totally supported us.

The first grave is the highest or the oldest one. Here's the view

There are a bunch of people pray for their life and hope for a better life. People burn something like a smell good candle, and spread some grave's flowers to the grave. Done with the oldest grave, we went to his third wife not pretty far from there. There was a same condition like this, bunch people pray and ask for a better life. 

In that grave, people can stay max 3 days and 3 nights. Looking for miracle of life haha. Nah seriously someone can get a miracle. Maybe they can see a ghosts after they went and pray there, or maybe you can see the future.. Well that's gonna be back to the God.
And I'm done with the wifey's grave.. Abah took us to the next grave. It's pretty far because this grave is the only one grave at the top of mountain. So we have to uphill. Lucky us because it wasn't summer, so there was no sun! haha 

Fogs everywhere, covered the path..
Honestly the view was amazing, because we are at the top of somewhere, so we can see around the hill and that was beautiful.

Step by step we're uphill, lots of stairs we stamps.. 
20 minutes to get up there. Pretty cold and so freakin windy.
There is the only one grave, and there is a stone.
This is nuts, the stone isn't so big but the weight is so so so over haha
Why?
Because supposedly said, the ancestor was sit there for meditation, he sat there for long time. And there is his sole at the stone. He wasn't dead. He was gone people said he's gone and left his stick and said "I left my stick here, so my grandchild who need a help, just come here because I'm here". The stick there and a lot of people make it for meditation. 

Done with this amazing grave, we're goin to the sacred bathing place. There is 7 magic water.
Each spring have a strength to make us better. I tried 4 of 7 springs there. One of that water taste good, not like the other springs. 

Believe it or not. 
All of it are goin back to our respective beliefs.
Back to God.
God made all of it.
Thank god for all of things you made.


the video of this trip

College?

My name is B.

I'm afraid of

-God

-Ghost

-Dog (even the cute one)

-Dead

-People

-And College.

Yes college! Or University. Whatever it called~

My dad said that I have to be something. I will. My mom said that I have to prove to the world I can be someone. Something in common between SOMETHING and SOMEONE. 

There is same SOME and have to be!

Actually I don't know what i'm talking about here. I just wanna tell you about COLLEGE LIFE.

Things when you hear COLLEGE or UNIVERSITY are : FUCKING SENIORS and FREEDOM OF LIVE.

I'm studying in the most favorite University in Indonesia like I told in my old blog. I was afraid of seniors, because there is a lot of stories about seniority in college life. I was really really fucked up when the first time I moved to the small village. I have to moved because my University out of my hometown. Not to far but pretty far it's like more than 100km from my hometown. I felt so amazingly lonely and wants to hang myself. The first time I live far away from my mom. It's totally killing!

Wait.. 

LIVING FAR AWAY FROM PARENT? OMG that is freakin awesome! haha just kidding. (I KNOW YOU READ THIS MOM!)

Okay, it's good because there is no more rule about have to be home at 9 or something like lame rules. And that's good because I can go anywhere and anytime with anybody. I love that. 

1 year.. 2 years.. crap! 2 years I've been studying in this creepy University. Why is that so creepy? Because there is a lot of stories about ghosts here. I hate it and I mean it haha.

2 years feel so fast. Just laugh everytime, not much tears I let go. I am insanely happy.

No more homesick because I usually like this. Yeah small village like I told. Just 1 small mall, no nightlife places. Students everwhere. I am bored! But I have to do this. for fuck sake!

One day, I'm join to the University's event. Pretty big event, I signed up for Security Guard. Because the leader is my senior so I'm so easily joining. I met some rare people there. The first time I saw them I just feel eww who the hell are they. Day by day we meet.. hour by hour we talked.. I like those people! They're from other faculties. They're jokers! They can cheer me up when I feel so down. I hope that we can always keep contact after this event done. 

University it's not really bad and you just don't expect too much to this University or College life. We don't live in a movie. Mini skirt with a cute rebel tanktop without a shirt and heels at college life is only exist in MOVIES. We live in reality. Bit sucks but it is. We have to still breathing and go on.

Enjoy the craps, that's the only way the craps won't bother you any longer..

Oh wait! 

BE YOURSELF DON'T CARE PEOPLE WILL LIKE YOU OR NOT.

Here they are.. Those rare people!

FOLLOW ME?

WATCH US :)

LOVE?

The English word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from pleasure.
Love is totally complicated, because people think they just love for boyfriend or girlfriend. Love is beautiful if you can manage it. Love is completely pretty when you realize it. Love is amazing when you feel it. Love is perfect when you feel it deep inside.

Do you believe in love on the first sight? I do. because I love mom and dad when the first time I opened my eyes. They're amazing shit I've ever loved. Ans their love will never ends to me. That's happening to all of your parents. So love them as they love you. It's forever love. That is so different when you're in love with a guy or a girl because it will end someday soon or late.

Girls are easily fallin love than the guys. I don't know why and I don't wanna know about it. It just happening like water flow away.. 

Fallin love is amazing feelings you've ever felt. Because everything goes slow motion and beautiful. But when you're in love, you have to be ready for any risks. Not all people can having their love back. And it's gonna be hurt so much. I gave everything I had to give to someone I like. I know that he stares at me all the time. My heart say yes, but my brain say no. It's hard because I have to fight with myself like an idiot. I won't let you go anywhere, any seconds. I can't call you mine, I just can have you on my sights. You've been on my mind for a long time, but you say you're just a friend. I whisper quietly to this heart to let you fly away, but you're flying around me instead. Loving you is such a killing me but you gave me a pain killer. 

People say you're a jerk, you're a player, you sucks and people hate you. But I think my eyes blind now, my ears deaf suddenly. Did you just do that? Well I enjoy it when you're around.

I can't tell because we have such an amazing friendship that I won't lose it. So don't go I will try to stop it because I know it wasn't good enough for you. It's going dark because a lot of people close their eyes. Doesn't mean that people hate their life, they just tired of life and had enough. Through the sorrow and the fights..

Loving God is the best way to be loved back. Try it or you will never know how to feel loved. It's awesome! I do now. God gave you everything you want, it just about the time or it's not good enough for you. I'm not such a religion person, but I always remember where were I made. The story I wrote that is a real story of mine. I felt it and I'm letting go hardly. But I have to do that for the best.


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THANKS
B-

ME ISN'T EASY

You see that clouds goes cloudy?
I don't, because I already saw your face.
I don't wannabe the grey cloud in your sunshine life.

DON'T YOU EVER THINK, IF YOU DECIDED TO BE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE, THAT MEANS YOU'RE GETTING BRAVE? YOU MAY NOT BRAVE AS A SUPERHERO, BUT YOU'RE ALIVE AS A REAL SUPERHERO IN YOUR OWN MIND.

Why are we pretending? Why are we just pretending that love isn't real? Because if you don't want me, you should just tell me now. So I can save this tears. Well that's just some random cute quote haha. Let me tell you story about today. I feel so complicated about everything. But at least finer things came today.

Close your eyes, lets your heart take a rest, lets start dreaming about a better life. Don't open you're eyes if you're not ready to face the cruel world. I find myself acting very simple, I act to be me.
I can see how I see people, how I judge people suddenly, how I love someone, how I hate some people with no reason, and I couldn't find any foundations of myself. Who am I then? Why I'm here closing my eyes and acting as me. 

I open my eyes with fears. I have to learn how to be growing up, because I can't always close my eyes to avoid my fears. Life is hard but if we enjoy it, we will find what's called HAPPINESS. Hard to trust anyone, but you're not a computer that you can save all your stories. You have to socialize with a lot of people, trusting people it's like giving your half heart to someone you can be trusted. I don't fucking know why I'm saying this. My brain is not working well now. I wrote everything inside my brain now. You have to know that my half cell's brain is dead.

Do you feel you're an idiot when you read this blog? It's okay because you better judge yourself then you judge other people you will never know their stories. 

Believe it or not, there is someone sick wants to be a psychiatrist, he said I WANT TO BE A PSYCHIATRIST! I AM A SICK GUY! I KNOW HOW TO FEEL SICK! don't you get it what is that mean? This earth goes drowning. Just pray and do your best for life and death. Don't let your fears stop your dreams. Don't hurt people if you won't to be hurt. Karma does exist so be nice with people. I'm not a God and I'm not perfect, I just share how to be a good person in life.


Love
B-

Incredible Woman

Do you ever feel wanted to kill someone? I do. I wanted to kill people who hurts my little family, include my close mates. Because I don't wanna see these people got hurt. I never wanted to hear there is people I love crying because of stupid reason. MOM.. fragile woman but she pretending like she's strong as a horse. Here some story about her..

 

The day where's my her husband died, I saw her as a figure women who desperate because of half of her soul is missing. How pathetic but I can't do anything.. People keep saying that I have to patient and I have to be something so my parents will proud of me, don't you know that is a disgusting advices!? You guys just saying without know how I feel inside. That's heavy! Day by day everything changing like insanely. People changing so fast like the weather nowadays. Her husband died but her life must go on because it cannot stop her life too. In her office, she got an offered by her head office to deliver money to office eradication of corruption, because a lot of corruption in her office. But she won't do that because it's like a bribe and that is not good at all, if she got catched she will join people in cells. LOL so she won't do that.. Her head office said she will get demotion, she is so stressed out because she thought about her kids at home. She told me everything then I said, don't worry mom, money can be find. But in fact she got promoted! Lol what a surprise. God is always give the best. The hard part can be accepted is when she told me about get married again, why I mad? because she told me a month before the marriage. How crazy is that!? I don't even know who's the guy, me and my brother got really mad but finally we understand and accepted her decision. But don't blame us for against that guy.. After get married, this fragile woman getting more and more religious like crazy! That is too much. I don't like it.

 

Sometimes I don't want to be a parents, because parents have to take a responsible about everything. But it cannot be happen haha The woman that I called Incredible is my mom. She is the best woman I've ever have. I love you Mom, forever and ever! I don't wanna lose you. I'm sorry if I can't be something now, but I keep trying to be something and you'll be proud of me someday. I will take you and your son with me when I success. We have to be a perfect little family, just you me and your little son. Thanks for being my mom.

YOU ARE FUCKING THE BEST~
Do not ever underestimate small people because you can't compare your life with another person. Life must balance.

10 Years From Now

Yesterday, I was in my course.. This is kinda weird because my course's teacher wasn't graduated from English literature. He studied psychology. He always teach the students about psychology stuff in his class. The first time I studied, he read my ability and kind of psychology stuff. HAHA I was shocked because he's kinda like knows everything. Well that wasn't really bad. Why I post this blog? Because I will compare my dreams what I wrote here, with the reality in 10 YEARS FROM NOW.

Now I'm just a student of popular University in Indonesia called Padjadjaran University. I studied Russian literature and language, bit strange yee haha because I've been trapped in there. I don't like Russian but I have to learn about everything.

 

 Beside there I have one little brother

 

 he's on high school right now. And of course mom and step dad. I have a lot of single time for hanging out with them even my mom is a bit busy, but still have a time for spending it together. I really love my family because they're everything I have right now. I won't lose any of them. And now I'm not a religion person, but I always try to be. Because God always know what I want. I have a lot of good friends right now..

 








They are a good friends of mine. I like to do a video stuff like shooting, editing, and publishing. I don't know what should I work as in the future. I think my brain doesn't work well. Or maybe my half cells dead? HAHA just kidding. The best lesson is our life. Won't stop doing video stuff because I really in love with it. My mom supported me!!! YAY OKAY HERE WE GO..

   

we talked about dreams here, I can be anything I want. Let's start! I will have a lot of BACKSTABBER FRIENDS! because I have a lot of money. They just want my money and popularity. I don't expect much about this shit part called friendship, because everything in life is a game, so I have to play it. Enough talking about friendship in 10 years. Talking about my family, me mom and lil brother have a lot of more time to spending together, because we moved together to United State of America, because of course I have a big movie production like umh.. Ryan murphy production or Will Smith production. something swag like that haha. I own a big famous production with a super cool people in there. And all celebrities in the world wants to be my friends because I am Tiarabead HAHAHA I will never forget whoever help me in my past life, because behind a success person is the best of the best people in this world.

MOM, DAD, BROTHER, BESTFRIENDS, AND WHOEVER CARES WITH ME. THANK YOU

what!? makin fun of this blog? go on. let's see who's laughing in 10 years from now...

Love Story Of X and Y

Once upon a time, there's a girl we can call her with a guest name. Umh we call her with X. She graduated from high school and continue her study in University in somewhere over the rainbow. She met a very nice guy we can call him mr Y. Mr Y is her classmate, they never wanted to be know each other. Until one day in class on admission of new students event, umh Indonesian people called it ospek. Friend's of mr Y making fun of X, and mr Y laugh out loud until X getting mad and she stand up from her chair and look at those guys said "STOP MAKING FUN OF PEOPLE! THAT IS NOT FUNNY AT ALL!!!" and those guys shut their mouth. From that terrible moment, mr Y trying to be friends with X. Day by day, they're getting closer.. One day mr Y meet X with her close friends on the way mr Y going back to his dorm. X asked to hang out together. Mr Y feel so awkward because people in their class think X and her friends are sociables girls. Like you know ...

 

But mr Y challenge himself to hang out with these girls. They eat, laugh and talking about other people in tiny resto because their University situated in small village, suddenly, X asking her friend to buy a drink. mr Y thinking : "HOLYCRAP!!!!! THEY WANT TO GET DRUNK NOW!? WHAT SHOULD I DO!? I DIDN'T DRINK!!!! OMG OMG OMFG!!!???" half hour later, one of X's friend coming with cheap drinks on her arm. Not kind of beers haha just some random alcohol. the girls start to drink and X offer the glass of alcohol to mr X. Mr X say no, BUT! he can't say no anymore haha. Not long, the girls getting drunk and they have to go back to dorm. Mr y hold X's hand, X feels so awkward and starting to feel something that people called LOVE. But now, everything's gone. No more love.. He decided to being friends, it's more than okay because it's pretty clear. I was happy when he's arround.

Thank God he changed me to be a better person, really better now..