I am The Lucky Herpes

You can counting how many times you got hurt?
People says bad words can hurt us so bad.
I said good word can hurt us too.
I love you,
Yes. That sweet shit hurting people in many ways.

Call people and share about problems we got,  actually that can make us joy.
But they can't really give advices.
The only one can solve your problems is yourself.
People says A, but your heart says B.
You must be do the B, even that will be the hurt one.

My life been messed up, many times..
I bet everyone does.
People nowadays fucked up because of broken heart.
Some of them can't stand it so they decide to harm themselves, or they can do the stupid suicide.
We can't blame when someone did that.
We blame the person who hurt those victims.

I'm a 21 years old girl, nearly adult but I can't think clear about anything.
Once I'm fallin' love with someone I shouldn't.
He's already taken by an immature shit for 4 years or more I don't care.
A month after he said he loves me, I found out he's taken.
That was hurt so damn much. I tried to pushed him away.
I tried to keep the distance, I tried pretending to be the one who don't need him.
I tried many ways to forget the way he looked at me, the way he kissed my shoulder, the way he kissed my forehead, the way he hold my hand when I barely sleep while he drive me home, the way he pulled his hands on my hip while I hug him for the last time.

And then I fail.
It's easy for me to fallin' love with stranger. But he's different kind of stranger who can make me stay awake all night just for thinking about us, and gave me some nightmares because of my feelings for him.
I never wanted to be the herpes for cute couple. But it's already done.
The girl found out who am I and she think that I'm the reason of that boy told her about boredom in their relationship. I already said I have to go because I won't hurt anyone. He said don't.
It's hurt when that boy text me: "I'll pick my girl, I'll chat you later okay." he's gone awhile.
There was not okay for me. But I can pretending say it's okay with these tears going down on my face.

One day I think I'm tough enough to let him go and having a happy ending with his pet. I told him to fuck off.
Day 1.. I'm fine
Day 2.. Shhhiiiiiii...... I'm finnneeeee....tttttttt
Day 3.. DAMN IT! WHAT THE FUCK IS HIS LINE ID!? 
Day 4.. I did it talk to him again and we just pressed the restart button. We started all over again, like we didn't know each other before :p

Honestly my life is suddenly being full package of quotes and music videos.
Friend of mine said "that's all your choice, letting go of your short term happiness for your long term happiness or keep living in your comfort zone with him for happiness a short term, because one day he will be back with her pet, and you'll getting hurt for more. Sooner or later it'll be happening."

This week is the damn exams week.
Passed 2 exams, I'm late because of stay awake just overthinking of this matter.
Come to university with a fucked up face, without shower and cute big panda's eyes.
My mate said what's wrong with you!?
I said nothin, just fucked up by life and people. haha *poker face

The storm is getting bigger and make me drowning too much, until come one of my kind of sister.
I told her all the details.
She just say, go pray.. God knows and will help you, don't be ashame to cry and say please, because God just miss you, and God want you to remember if God does exist. When you feel hurt like this just remember you have mom and brother at home waiting for your best story, they will sad if they find out their love is getting insane like this. You want to see them sad? see your mom crying on her pray? Nobody wants. I can't give you any advice, just ask God and it'll be alright. 

I pray.. Pleased to help me grow my patience, and give the best for all people I love.
Feel better now, I told him to not talking to me in a day because today is his gf's birthday, I won't bother anyway. Just take your fun time with your girl. I'm fine

At the end I have to say ' Mature is when you can watch your person you love happy, even they're happy without you or not because of you. '
Sounds like bullshit.
Biggest bullshit. But the most fantastic moment is when you did the biggest bullshit.

I am still trying to figure this out.
He keep saying we met in a wrong way and the time shouldn't like this.
But it's already done and this is God's plan.
Make it worth or you just waste your time again for nothing.

I am sorry I love you.
But I'm not sorry for loving your boyfriend.
Heart's problem, you can't blame me.
xoxo

I Am Still Normal

Straight

Lesbo

Gay

Bisex

fuck that.

When I was in high school, I thought that I'm a lesbian.

I know that was crazy thought. But it's happened. I felt how to kissed by a girl, and touched.

Feels tingly and yucks! 

I tried to be a butch girl so I can revenged. My ex girlfriend wasn't a lesbian, but I changed her and for the first time she kissed a girl and that was me. 

I was a jerk.

I had a lot of girlfriends. I never think how they felt because it doesn't matter for me. 

I don't like the way we kissed, touched, even hugged. Felts so strange and creepy.

But some of my mates are lesbians, so I didn't feel wrong.

I graduated from high school and came to the university.

New start of live, new people around and there is no fears of being what I want.

I enjoyed life I called myself a bisex, because I do like boys.

But I can't just changed to be a straight one because I was a lesbian and if I change straight suddenly, my old mates will rejected me. 

I won't lose any of them. 

Until someday my lesbian best mate invited me to her girlfriend's event in the big one's club and bar.

The event was just for lesbian or gay people. 

I was so excited because I thought I can see some sexy dancers and some barbie girls with a cute mini dress. But beside, I thought about getting a new start with a boy. Not a gay one!

I came with my straight buddy. 

I dressed like a real girly, I arrived and super surprised because I saw a bunch of girls.

Wrong girls.

Butches everywhere, they had boobs but act like a guy. SUPER FAIL!

But there was a lot of sexy girls with a super cute heels. haha

I can't stop staring, my eyes swept all over the club.

I saw girls kissed each others. EWW!

I said to my straight buddy.

OMFG I need to pray to doomed this world soon! It's getting creepy spooky and horror more than The Conjuring movie.

My lesbian mate gave me a lot of shit so I can't feel my mouth. The music made those sick girls dance like they're in heaven. I met a girl. A weird one!

She danced with a fuckin speaker hahahaha 

She's not fit at all, short and not fashionable as a normal girl haha.

She is not a butch.

I talked to her and tried to hug her from behind but, I felt like God slap me in the face so I decided to made fun of her, getting laugh with my mates. 

My mate can't control herself, she was kinda dead by those amazing drinks and some pills.

I felt like oh God why I'm here? 

I'm not a lesbian. And never wanna be.

I feel so sorry about what happened in my past.

But I took as an experience. Not all of people want to try that, and I suggest don't ever try to be a guy or lesbian. It was not fun! And you can't literally stop.

Thanks for my best buddies, you guys took me to the bright life.

I realise that I am not a lesbian. I still love someone with cool beard and thin moustache. 

I like guy.

But if you invited me again for a bunch of free drinks, I'd love to come :p

The best experience in my life.

I love you guys, forever!

God's Power Trip

In Indonesia, Thursday kliwon is such a holly night, a lot of people coming to the holly graveyard or ancestor's grave to ask their life, healthy, money, love and something in life like that. Me and my mate just wondering how if we come to the ancestor's grave at kliwon night. And then here we go! 

January 30 2014. Thursday kliwon!

Me and my mate finally went to the ancestor's grave in sumedang, West Java. It called Dayeuh Luhur. We arrived at 4pm and we took a rest for a bit because the trip is kinda made us lost some energy haha.

After we took a short rest, we continued to the ancestor's grave. That wasn't the first time I'm going to the holly graves. Honestly it's cold and fogged. So that condition was totally supported us.

The first grave is the highest or the oldest one. Here's the view

There are a bunch of people pray for their life and hope for a better life. People burn something like a smell good candle, and spread some grave's flowers to the grave. Done with the oldest grave, we went to his third wife not pretty far from there. There was a same condition like this, bunch people pray and ask for a better life. 

In that grave, people can stay max 3 days and 3 nights. Looking for miracle of life haha. Nah seriously someone can get a miracle. Maybe they can see a ghosts after they went and pray there, or maybe you can see the future.. Well that's gonna be back to the God.
And I'm done with the wifey's grave.. Abah took us to the next grave. It's pretty far because this grave is the only one grave at the top of mountain. So we have to uphill. Lucky us because it wasn't summer, so there was no sun! haha 

Fogs everywhere, covered the path..
Honestly the view was amazing, because we are at the top of somewhere, so we can see around the hill and that was beautiful.

Step by step we're uphill, lots of stairs we stamps.. 
20 minutes to get up there. Pretty cold and so freakin windy.
There is the only one grave, and there is a stone.
This is nuts, the stone isn't so big but the weight is so so so over haha
Why?
Because supposedly said, the ancestor was sit there for meditation, he sat there for long time. And there is his sole at the stone. He wasn't dead. He was gone people said he's gone and left his stick and said "I left my stick here, so my grandchild who need a help, just come here because I'm here". The stick there and a lot of people make it for meditation. 

Done with this amazing grave, we're goin to the sacred bathing place. There is 7 magic water.
Each spring have a strength to make us better. I tried 4 of 7 springs there. One of that water taste good, not like the other springs. 

Believe it or not. 
All of it are goin back to our respective beliefs.
Back to God.
God made all of it.
Thank god for all of things you made.


the video of this trip

Real Study and Work (KKN2014)

Wtf is this? Okay. Real study and work in Indonesia can be happening when you're in university or technic school. I'm in university now so I have to feel what's that real study and work. In indonesia it called KKN (Kuliah Kerjaan Nyata).

First. I have to choose the subject and than I'm going to the village. Stay for a month with some people like a group. 20 person in this group. Thank god that I'm with some great people here. But the village is not proper :( haha that's doesn't matter for me now. When we came for survey we were like~ omg village! That's great for refreshing! Hmm some fields too it's like we're holiday~ damn! First week we just feel like we have to know each other. 

Haha here's the interesting story for 2 weeks. There's a guy named 'something'  he's super freak, we think he's a psycho. He likes to goin out at night alone no matter if thunder killing haha. Nah that's super hyper! He likes to make some idiotic codes for nothing. The point is he is freak. Some people afraid of him will do something dangerous like kill us haha.

Talking about people here. I met some new friends. They're proper nice, well at the first time people seems nice right?

Day by day, week by week we've been through together. Eat together, talk, laugh, until sharing unimportantly stuff.

I like them, I wanna stay like this but not into the KKN stuff. The first time I stay in this dead village, my friends busy thinking about how to make village's people like us. We tried to teach at elementary school until made some private for kids. 

But it wasn't long last haha that's super boring personally I don't really like to be friendly haha. With kids we have to keep our attitude.

Here we go H-4 before this shit ends.

Something seriously mistic just happened. The point is my friend saw something unproper! I won't say and dont make me to say. Every fuckin night we're sleeping worried. I really wanna go back home, sleep with my mom and be safe. Haha 

I like these new people, I don't like the village, I don't like the KKN shit. I won't do this again. Never

Friends of KKN 2014

Elementary kids

Isn't easy being a teacher :(

Eat together like a small family

The amazing meals we've got 

Celebrated birthday

One by one they got ill

Thanks for everyone who stay with me in a month. We've been through this together. You guys are amazing! Please keep contact. 

IS HEAVEN BROKEN!?

Pale skin
Thick lips
Sheer moustache
Wave hair
YOU!

Are you just coming from heaven? Or you just been dumped from wonderland?
You make my life so colorful. You just did.
I don't know how!
Please don't tell me you're gonna leave this flat life.
Don't..

You make me happy, knowing you is such a beautiful accident.
You're lookin so cool. I wanna try looking someone like you. 

Your face on wallpaper my eyes, so I can see that pretty smile every second I blink these eyes.
Your laugh on my nails, so I can paint you with beautiful colors.
I wish that we van have more time to have a little conversation.
Sound perfect.

You're the smile on my face, don't goin nowhere!
Waiting for you is like waiting for plane on harbor.
Not possible.
Thank God, for your existence.
You just make everything better.
You. It's not just you.

Have you been look yourself in the mirror?
You got wings on your back.
That's why I said that heaven is freakin broke! 
If I can put smile on your smile, I would.

Doesn't matter you know me or not. 
You just coloring my life. And thanks for that :)
Waking up every morning and saying good morning to your picture looks idiot.
Don't care.

I'm addict to you.
Is heaven really broken?

TWITTER

Everything Has Changed

Look up!
See!
There is a lot of stars up there..
Beautiful isn't it?

Sky never changed.
Stars always up there every night.
But when the grey clouds come out, the stars just hide for awhile.
It's like right now.

We were as one.
Now, everything's changing.
You said don't go, I ain't going anywhere.
When I stay, you just ignore me like a dumpster.
Pain is still a pain, I'm trying to refused the pain but I can't.
It's coming slapping me like a retard.

I didn't say that you are a retard, I said the pain.

I lost mine, you said that you want to stand beside me when I need help.
It just a bullshit speech though.
But thanks that you can made me stay.
Kinda hurt just being a fly between you and them.
But thanks that made me learn how to flying as a flies.

Jatinangor,
Cold as an ice. If we're together we can laugh now. Together..
Not just you and them. Did you just forget me?
Don't worry I will stay here whenever you need me I'll try to help.
I got my own zone, my world and my own happiness.
I'm okay alone, but I'm better with you.

You are just a boy who can't grow up because you just focused your life in one straight line.
I'm not trying to be arrogant, but you made me.

We are still be friends until someday the real big problem will separate us.
Someday..
Wish that day will never come.

Love you a lot, Mate :)

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College?

My name is B.

I'm afraid of

-God

-Ghost

-Dog (even the cute one)

-Dead

-People

-And College.

Yes college! Or University. Whatever it called~

My dad said that I have to be something. I will. My mom said that I have to prove to the world I can be someone. Something in common between SOMETHING and SOMEONE. 

There is same SOME and have to be!

Actually I don't know what i'm talking about here. I just wanna tell you about COLLEGE LIFE.

Things when you hear COLLEGE or UNIVERSITY are : FUCKING SENIORS and FREEDOM OF LIVE.

I'm studying in the most favorite University in Indonesia like I told in my old blog. I was afraid of seniors, because there is a lot of stories about seniority in college life. I was really really fucked up when the first time I moved to the small village. I have to moved because my University out of my hometown. Not to far but pretty far it's like more than 100km from my hometown. I felt so amazingly lonely and wants to hang myself. The first time I live far away from my mom. It's totally killing!

Wait.. 

LIVING FAR AWAY FROM PARENT? OMG that is freakin awesome! haha just kidding. (I KNOW YOU READ THIS MOM!)

Okay, it's good because there is no more rule about have to be home at 9 or something like lame rules. And that's good because I can go anywhere and anytime with anybody. I love that. 

1 year.. 2 years.. crap! 2 years I've been studying in this creepy University. Why is that so creepy? Because there is a lot of stories about ghosts here. I hate it and I mean it haha.

2 years feel so fast. Just laugh everytime, not much tears I let go. I am insanely happy.

No more homesick because I usually like this. Yeah small village like I told. Just 1 small mall, no nightlife places. Students everwhere. I am bored! But I have to do this. for fuck sake!

One day, I'm join to the University's event. Pretty big event, I signed up for Security Guard. Because the leader is my senior so I'm so easily joining. I met some rare people there. The first time I saw them I just feel eww who the hell are they. Day by day we meet.. hour by hour we talked.. I like those people! They're from other faculties. They're jokers! They can cheer me up when I feel so down. I hope that we can always keep contact after this event done. 

University it's not really bad and you just don't expect too much to this University or College life. We don't live in a movie. Mini skirt with a cute rebel tanktop without a shirt and heels at college life is only exist in MOVIES. We live in reality. Bit sucks but it is. We have to still breathing and go on.

Enjoy the craps, that's the only way the craps won't bother you any longer..

Oh wait! 

BE YOURSELF DON'T CARE PEOPLE WILL LIKE YOU OR NOT.

Here they are.. Those rare people!

FOLLOW ME?

WATCH US :)

F.U.N

F is for friends who do stuff together. U is for you and me. N is for anywhere or anytime at all. 

Spongebob's right about FUN. 

I LEARNED IT

All I do for living right now is just for FUN. Having some friends for doing stuff together from normally stuff until insanely stuff, and that is so completely great! I have a lot of crazy friends. Friends for me now is like everything, because I live far away, I mean not really far from my mom haha but still far. We live in same condition, same money problems, some loneliness so we can be perfect when we do stuff together. 

watch the video up below, if you're not laugh, kill yourself then.

bye. bitches!

10 Years From Now

Yesterday, I was in my course.. This is kinda weird because my course's teacher wasn't graduated from English literature. He studied psychology. He always teach the students about psychology stuff in his class. The first time I studied, he read my ability and kind of psychology stuff. HAHA I was shocked because he's kinda like knows everything. Well that wasn't really bad. Why I post this blog? Because I will compare my dreams what I wrote here, with the reality in 10 YEARS FROM NOW.

Now I'm just a student of popular University in Indonesia called Padjadjaran University. I studied Russian literature and language, bit strange yee haha because I've been trapped in there. I don't like Russian but I have to learn about everything.

 

 Beside there I have one little brother

 

 he's on high school right now. And of course mom and step dad. I have a lot of single time for hanging out with them even my mom is a bit busy, but still have a time for spending it together. I really love my family because they're everything I have right now. I won't lose any of them. And now I'm not a religion person, but I always try to be. Because God always know what I want. I have a lot of good friends right now..

 








They are a good friends of mine. I like to do a video stuff like shooting, editing, and publishing. I don't know what should I work as in the future. I think my brain doesn't work well. Or maybe my half cells dead? HAHA just kidding. The best lesson is our life. Won't stop doing video stuff because I really in love with it. My mom supported me!!! YAY OKAY HERE WE GO..

   

we talked about dreams here, I can be anything I want. Let's start! I will have a lot of BACKSTABBER FRIENDS! because I have a lot of money. They just want my money and popularity. I don't expect much about this shit part called friendship, because everything in life is a game, so I have to play it. Enough talking about friendship in 10 years. Talking about my family, me mom and lil brother have a lot of more time to spending together, because we moved together to United State of America, because of course I have a big movie production like umh.. Ryan murphy production or Will Smith production. something swag like that haha. I own a big famous production with a super cool people in there. And all celebrities in the world wants to be my friends because I am Tiarabead HAHAHA I will never forget whoever help me in my past life, because behind a success person is the best of the best people in this world.

MOM, DAD, BROTHER, BESTFRIENDS, AND WHOEVER CARES WITH ME. THANK YOU

what!? makin fun of this blog? go on. let's see who's laughing in 10 years from now...