I Am Still Normal

Straight

Lesbo

Gay

Bisex

fuck that.

When I was in high school, I thought that I'm a lesbian.

I know that was crazy thought. But it's happened. I felt how to kissed by a girl, and touched.

Feels tingly and yucks! 

I tried to be a butch girl so I can revenged. My ex girlfriend wasn't a lesbian, but I changed her and for the first time she kissed a girl and that was me. 

I was a jerk.

I had a lot of girlfriends. I never think how they felt because it doesn't matter for me. 

I don't like the way we kissed, touched, even hugged. Felts so strange and creepy.

But some of my mates are lesbians, so I didn't feel wrong.

I graduated from high school and came to the university.

New start of live, new people around and there is no fears of being what I want.

I enjoyed life I called myself a bisex, because I do like boys.

But I can't just changed to be a straight one because I was a lesbian and if I change straight suddenly, my old mates will rejected me. 

I won't lose any of them. 

Until someday my lesbian best mate invited me to her girlfriend's event in the big one's club and bar.

The event was just for lesbian or gay people. 

I was so excited because I thought I can see some sexy dancers and some barbie girls with a cute mini dress. But beside, I thought about getting a new start with a boy. Not a gay one!

I came with my straight buddy. 

I dressed like a real girly, I arrived and super surprised because I saw a bunch of girls.

Wrong girls.

Butches everywhere, they had boobs but act like a guy. SUPER FAIL!

But there was a lot of sexy girls with a super cute heels. haha

I can't stop staring, my eyes swept all over the club.

I saw girls kissed each others. EWW!

I said to my straight buddy.

OMFG I need to pray to doomed this world soon! It's getting creepy spooky and horror more than The Conjuring movie.

My lesbian mate gave me a lot of shit so I can't feel my mouth. The music made those sick girls dance like they're in heaven. I met a girl. A weird one!

She danced with a fuckin speaker hahahaha 

She's not fit at all, short and not fashionable as a normal girl haha.

She is not a butch.

I talked to her and tried to hug her from behind but, I felt like God slap me in the face so I decided to made fun of her, getting laugh with my mates. 

My mate can't control herself, she was kinda dead by those amazing drinks and some pills.

I felt like oh God why I'm here? 

I'm not a lesbian. And never wanna be.

I feel so sorry about what happened in my past.

But I took as an experience. Not all of people want to try that, and I suggest don't ever try to be a guy or lesbian. It was not fun! And you can't literally stop.

Thanks for my best buddies, you guys took me to the bright life.

I realise that I am not a lesbian. I still love someone with cool beard and thin moustache. 

I like guy.

But if you invited me again for a bunch of free drinks, I'd love to come :p

The best experience in my life.

I love you guys, forever!

Sir, why don't you kill me?

I've been smoking cigarette since I was 12
Just  to find and escape from the world..
Drugs are evil, they keep you high just for a moment.
Drugs killed people.

" You know? Your dad is killed by someone we don't know.
We can't find who and why. Your dad is such a nice guy. Very nice..
I've been tried to find out who and why, but someone just threatened me.
And I stopped. We will never know who and why".

Those words are so much unforgettable and stick in  my mind forever.
Can't stop thinking about who and why.

Today, November 24th 2013

My little brother just got home at 4am he was so hangover with his friends.
My mom just worried about him, but he said he's okay.
He started talking about school, friends, and nearly our family.

He said he will study hard to get in to the right university with the best major he wanted.
He can't stop talking.
He said he needs me and my mom.
He said he will never study out of the town.
He said he's stressed out about mom because she's getting ill.
He said he wants to be something to prove people who underestimate him.
He said he will get bunch of money for me and mom.
He said he's got depressed about his life since my dad's died.

He didn't know if my dad died because someone drugs him.
If he knows, maybe he will find out who and why.
I love him. I love mom and dad more than anything.
I won't let my brother being hurt and pain.
I won't let my brother under pressure and depress.
I would trade any others just for dad being alive.
He is means so much to this family.

Sir, why don't you just kill me with those pills? Why you drug him?
You killed him, you kill my family slowly too.
I am so mad about this problem.
Drugs are so close with me now.

Sir, how if you my dad? Did your daughter or son will survive like us?
Why don't you just think like a normal adult?
You are an idiot adult.

Even I'm high, I feel so down.

QUESTIONS OF LIFE

There is some questions in life that my friends asked me about. That was pretty much easy, but I don't know how it's killing me. You need to push the brain when you answer that. 

First!!
IF YOU GROWING UP AND POOR. WHAT WOULD YOU DO!?
haha I said that I will earn money in a good way like being umh.. maybe farmer or being a labor. Maybe we judge, that's a low budget's job. But we never know how much they spent their energies just for life! I will look after my mom. I will not lose her as I lost my dad. I will never sell my body HAHA sounds insane. I mean my body parts. LOL who wants to buy a broken lungs, and broken heart.... :p

Second!!
WHAT IS THE BIGGEST REGRET YOU'VE EVER FELT?
I was quiet for couple minutes............
*sigh*

The biggest regret that I've ever done is when I declined my dad's offer to take me to school, because my dad's car was lame. It happened one day before he passed away. I feel soo regret! very very. It will never be forgotten. Until whenever.. And I have no time to say that I love my dad. He will never know how much I love him.. Ah! Dang it.

Third!!
IF YOU SUDDENLY HAVE 1 BILLION, WHAT WOULD YOU SPEND ON?
Well! First I will pray to God for this miracle. I will thank to God a lot haha. And I will spend it for despatch me, my mom and my little brother for pilgrimage. And the rest of money I will save for me and my brother's future. Anddd wait! I will take my dad's grave back! So I can save him easily. Dang! I feel so sorry when the grave was moved to his village!!!!! Bit angry but I can't do anything.

Fourth!!
WHAT IS YOU BEST QUOTE FOR LIFE!?
----------------------------------------------------------
I'M DREAMING WHEN I LIFE. I SLEEP WHEN I DIE.
that is the best quote for my life haha because it's motivated me a lot. I have some cool quotes for life. But that's the best from the best haha.
I decided that I put a cute word on my twitter biodata. I SNEEZE A UNICORN.

why I put that creepy word? Haha because I like Unicorn but sometimes I put "BATMAN'S WHORE" haha I love batman so baaaad. 

Eww this blog kinda trashy but I don't care haha because it's mine. I will wrote whatever I want to write haha.

BYE BIATCH!


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Alone

 Times to go..

Sometimes I want to be disappear, but I can still watch them.
Watch their laugh, their jokes, sadness, tears, and their fearless.
I love them, but I feel they don't know me. They looked me from outside.
From my happiness, and quiet insane.
They never know when I'm really really down. 

People says be patient and face the world with smile.
That is the most bullshit motivated words I've ever knew.
Because when you're down you and you just smile like a creepy person, you're fake yourself. 
Some people can't stand their lives. They goes mad.
I don't wanna be a mad person. I wannabe normal.
I'm kinda tired because I feel different, because when I'm with friends, I'm pretend to be normal.
That's sick. I'm not find someone yet who can accept the real I am.
Even my family.

My country isn't a cold country, don't have a fucking winter. But when rain comes, it's getting cold like I live in Russia.
I'm walking in the rain, I always walking with nobody beside me. Am I have any friends? yes
But, where are they?
They're getting busy with their own life.
Am I have a crush? Yes
But he don't really exist. He just in my dream. He's reachable.

Too much thoughts, fears, sadness, confuse, and complicated.
They fighting much and more in my mind.
I can't help it. I can't stop them.
I can't control them.
I'm too far with God.

I wish I have an imaginary friend.
I can talk with him,
Everywhere and every time I want.


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KeyHole

There is a lot of questions in life. Hardly type of question might be the most easily answered we'll get. Or maybe the most easier question can be the most hardly answered we'll get. Here's the question of the week, comes from my senior Addan Novpan.

24 hours of supermarket. Why they keep having a key hole on their front door?
Simple. But there is no answer yet.

One day Addan went to circle K.

They like supermarket. 24 HOURS CAPSLOCKED! Haha and Addan asked to the guy who worked there. 

Addan: "Is this 24 hours?"
The guy who worked there: "Yes man."
Addan: "Then why this place still have a key hole on that front door?"
The guy who worked there: ".................. *giggling*"

See. Simple things getting complicated just because you over thinking and you really have to know.
Simple things can be so hard when you see more.
So, don't underestimate the simple things in your life, and don't over think a small problem in your life because it just can make you feel life is so hard.

And I still wanna know why 24 hours place still have a key hole on their doors!?

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ME ISN'T EASY

You see that clouds goes cloudy?
I don't, because I already saw your face.
I don't wannabe the grey cloud in your sunshine life.

DON'T YOU EVER THINK, IF YOU DECIDED TO BE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE, THAT MEANS YOU'RE GETTING BRAVE? YOU MAY NOT BRAVE AS A SUPERHERO, BUT YOU'RE ALIVE AS A REAL SUPERHERO IN YOUR OWN MIND.

Why are we pretending? Why are we just pretending that love isn't real? Because if you don't want me, you should just tell me now. So I can save this tears. Well that's just some random cute quote haha. Let me tell you story about today. I feel so complicated about everything. But at least finer things came today.

Close your eyes, lets your heart take a rest, lets start dreaming about a better life. Don't open you're eyes if you're not ready to face the cruel world. I find myself acting very simple, I act to be me.
I can see how I see people, how I judge people suddenly, how I love someone, how I hate some people with no reason, and I couldn't find any foundations of myself. Who am I then? Why I'm here closing my eyes and acting as me. 

I open my eyes with fears. I have to learn how to be growing up, because I can't always close my eyes to avoid my fears. Life is hard but if we enjoy it, we will find what's called HAPPINESS. Hard to trust anyone, but you're not a computer that you can save all your stories. You have to socialize with a lot of people, trusting people it's like giving your half heart to someone you can be trusted. I don't fucking know why I'm saying this. My brain is not working well now. I wrote everything inside my brain now. You have to know that my half cell's brain is dead.

Do you feel you're an idiot when you read this blog? It's okay because you better judge yourself then you judge other people you will never know their stories. 

Believe it or not, there is someone sick wants to be a psychiatrist, he said I WANT TO BE A PSYCHIATRIST! I AM A SICK GUY! I KNOW HOW TO FEEL SICK! don't you get it what is that mean? This earth goes drowning. Just pray and do your best for life and death. Don't let your fears stop your dreams. Don't hurt people if you won't to be hurt. Karma does exist so be nice with people. I'm not a God and I'm not perfect, I just share how to be a good person in life.


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